instinct

in general my instinct is on point. however sometimes i doubt it and give people the benefit of the doubt. it's rare, and i'm just about always disappointed.

i let my guard down one evening with a colleague. rum and cokes will do that. it was a particularly difficult time in the semester. i was tired and stressed. and it felt good to talk. i applied for a job and was not invited to interview... it happens. i'm a tough cookie when it comes to these things. i told him things that in the back of my mind, had i been sober, i wouldn't have said. but i figured somehow that it would be kept in confidence. and it felt good to have someone who was listening.

today, i realized that this confidence had been broken. an after work drink with another colleague lead to a discussion that i would have rather not had about my 'application', my 'marriage to state college', and some other things that should not and would not have been brought up without input from someone else. i know he spilled the beans. i'm pissed. but, in typical 'me' fashion, i sat there and listened - poker faced - and provided the minimum information that would get me by without being rude. and it was only after, when i began to consider the conversation, that i really got upset.

i had this discussion already with the department head, do i really need to have it again?

i recognize that i can't stay in state college forever. but right now, it's right. one year ago my life was in shambles. a year later, this month, today, i'm starting to feel whole again. and here in state college, the riding is great. my house is great. my job is great. and i'm working towards my doctorate. why should i listen to someone else suggesting that i should leave? someone who has no idea where i've been or where i would like to go? Why do people always feel the need to step into situations that they just don't belong in? but more importantly, why can't people keep their mouths shut?

only i know what's best for me.
end of story.