1 down, 1 to go

it's hard to believe that another month has flown by. the days are getting progressively shorter, cooler, the nights sometimes frigid.

from time to time i contemplate another layer of warmth on my bed - but then remind myself of the many, many degrees that will inevitably be lost. acclimation is a key survival technique.

friday i hit the cross bike with g-dogg aka lunatic. i felt like crap but not as crappy as i had felt throughout the week so i figured it'd be ok. e came flying past us up bear meadows road on his cross bike - and flying the other direction down north meadows as we ascended. it felt LONG... on the way home, came wind, then thunder, then rain. i was miserable and MOODY. then came the 10 degree temperature drop. conclusion: short sleeves and spandex are not suited for 50+ degree rainy weather while confronting winds. we made it home but took a short cut up laurel run road which is a surprisingly chill climb on the back side. and just in time for the sun to come back out and shine shine away!

jess and i hit the trails today in scotia. It's now closed off due to hunting which is so so sad as it's my favorite place to go. my mental state has been bad lately due to stress-induced fatigue so my courage and skill on the mtn bike has seriously digressed. however it was fun none-the less -- and of course who did we run into??? e on his CROSS BIKE.

the steelers slipped today and lost to the cardinals!! of all teams - come on boys - shape up. holmes is rockin it but big ben threw the standard sub-1 minute, under pressure pick at the end - and his boys weren't keeping him safe - sack - sack - sack... favre tore it up today with his newbie team - breaking another record and throwing an impressively perfect TD pass that even made chaya lick her chops.

this week will be a tough one for many reasons. probably one of the toughest in a long time so i look forward to getting through it. it started off already with a lovely bang - digital smack in the face - so i figure it will only get better from here.

life is a funny animal sometimes... i think though i'm up to date on all my vaccinations so i should be good.

reflect

the past two years has included tumultuous ups and downs.

i've learned to let go of the past.
i've learned how to start all over.
i've learned that there are some really special people in my life right now -- who have been really good to me during some intense times.

within a short period of time
i've made new amazing friends. and made and lost others. and realized that the ones who are still around - they are the ones who matter.

i've experienced both sides of the spectrum - neither of which were suiting - from refusal to open up, never saying enough - to saying too much, too soon and opening up my life to others before given the chance to open it up myself.

i've learned that i can be my own rock - as cliche as that sounds. and that it's ok to let some strangers in.

i've learned that laughter trumps stability, familiarity, comfort and likeness - any time of the day. that imperfection can be perfect. and that is the one i seek.

i've learned that sometimes never isn't truth. and that anger and pain can perhaps be resolved - if given enough time.

this resolution can bring the greatest comfort. knowing many years were not in vain.

so much learned -- about myself -- about them all - about those few.
sometimes i forget to slow down and reflect. and appreciate what i have - right here, right now. in the end, it's all that matters.

3am

my favorite noise to awaken to at 3am is

gag

gag

gag... lick lick lick lick

you know, that hollow gag noise that only a dog can make who's eaten something that doesn't sit quite right in their tummy. gag, gag, lick lick lick as they attempt to keep what is inevitably coming up down. lick the carpet, lick the walls... whine... gag some more.

if you're lucky, it all comes out at once - over and done with. if you're not, the gagging, whining and licking continues on until you have lovely brown spots all over your nice, white carpet. upstairs and down. big and small.

i guess it's my lucky night.

funny enough she barely left my sight today. i have no idea what she could have consumed.

45 minutes later, she's beginning to settle down. the gagging rate is decreasing steadily and the panting / whining has ended.

the brown spots, however, remain - for my cleaning pleasure in the am - oh wait, it is the am. crap.

maybe i can salvage a few more hours sleep... it's gonna be a LONG DAY.

fried

the descriptor that sums up today is fried.

first, 8 hours spent digging through digital soils databases trying to make sense and then explain clearly in writing. fun with fuzzy logic and database relationships... then 2.5 hours of intense study group discussion with a modeling / population eco focus.

this all following up studying until about 11:30pm sunday night and a good part of the morning. i'm totally

and completely

fried

spent

done.

enjoy it while it lasts...

the weather in state college has been incredible. the tomatoes are still in full form and i'm continually harvesting bags to eat and cook with. YUM! the sun is shining the the breeze is just right...

After yet another eco-nerd night in studying, i woke up first thing Saturday for a chill ladies ride. my new posse comes with husbands and children so fitting in rides can be tricky. we left a little after 9 to make our way up and over Pine Grove Mountain and down to Alexandria. Pine grove is the greatest climb as its grade is consistently mellow allowing a consistent pace all the way up to the top. we could not have picked a better day to do this ride. the soy fields were so green, the sky was so blue and the road was clear of traffic and obnoxious drivers.

i haven't had the opportunity to get in many miles lately - so this 60+ trip was the longest i'd gone in a few weeks. boy did it feel GOOD although my new saddle wore on me towards the end.

post ride and recovery i snuck in a little studying and was then coerced out to kirkstock to hang with friends in the woods and listen to music. i left the phone and books at home and ventured out with the girls. it was weird arriving at a place where i'm normally on my cross bike! and it was so incredibly dark.

after a full night's sleep i woke up sunday completely refreshed and ready to hit the books again.. a few hours of focused study and then i saddled up to hit the trails for some QT with the rockhopper. it's been WAY too long and it was again - nothing less than perfect. i made it home just in time to watch the last quarter where my boys whooped the 9ers including a sweet sub 2min 4th quarter touchdown by davenport. oh yea!!! 3-0 baby!

then back to the books... what else is new?
and so comes yet another week... bring it on.

today...

...is the most perfect day.
perfect bike ride.
perfect weather.
perfectly behaved brown canine.

the end.

slowing down

i'm notorious for taking on too much. u want to do things, and know that you can do them efficiently, but forget that time to yourself and time with friends maintains sanity and composure.

the hardest part about taking on a lot is having to let go of things you truly enjoy doing. having to continually back out of going out, getting together, riding, etc because you know if you do those things, you'll slip and fall behind.

i feel like i need to send out a blanket apology to my friends that would go something like this...

i'm sorry for ...-- insert proper verb here - such as backing out, not returning your call, not calling, etc etc--..., and while we're at it this apology encompasses and extends through mid november at which point ou're obligated to come out and celebrate with me as exam hell will have passed.

Then again, i'd like to think my real friends know that i still care even if i've been somewhat of a self-absorbed and mildly book-obsessed friend for the past few weeks.

today was a day off. and today i made some changes including

1. talking to my boss about an abbreviated work schedule to allow catchup time and extra sleep.
2. finishing up the last of my web work that i've been slowly chipping away at - pro bono work which i enjoy doing but struggle to find time to complete
3. worked a regular 8 hour day, went to our grad meeting and CAME HOME and did NOTHING but play with my bikes and my dog. what a concept.

and in fact it was the first evening in close to a month that i didn't study - at all. it feels weird but i needed a day. and the day has passed - now the night calls.

over and out.

holy crap

unbelievable, well maybe not... but read this.

landis, landis... landis...

and he can't even yell chimera!

today

today started with a chilly morning ride. 2 hours in the saddle in 40-some degree weather. at the end my feet were completely frozen and i was exhausted. and the ride wasn't even hard. the shifting is finally working on my bike and lo and behold i have a big chain ring again!!! woo hoo! maybe i'll learn how to fix my bikes after all...

today though was long. a long and frustrating afternoon meeting reminded me of why working with people can be difficult. there are all of the usual feelings - frustration, anger... i know to walk away and remove myself from the situation. but the aftermath is hard to deal with. you want to discount people altogether but in the end you need to work with them. so how do you let your emotions go and maintain productivity?

its hard. and exhausting.

...the day dragged on and brought me home late to make dinner and begin studying.

so the fascinating animal of the day is the camel. Did you know that the camel...

1. does not store water in its hump but does store fats to burn when food is scarce
2. can fuel the worlds fires with it's poop (if you have been paying attention then you do know this)
3. can sweat out over 25% of its volume of water and still survive (we can only tolerate a small portion of that)

Here is another fascinating tidbit... did you know that salt-water fish are constantly battling dehydration?? osmosis at work my friend, osmosis at work.
over and out - there is more studying to tackle...

can a camel fuel fire?

it's time to turn things around... highlights of this weekend included some great riding, a super chill but challenging 4 hour hike including straight up the ridge to some gnarly rocky sections of the mid state. home made cosmopolitans ala nic's bf. concentrated studying. the low lights included mssing my boys in black and gold play sunday but ofcourse i'll take a hike over sitting in front of the tv any day.

last night i decided to tackle the cable and housing on my bike. it's been sticky lately and i've wanted to fix it. the garage workshop is finally setup and it's super sweet as is my new bike stand which makes life so much easier. it took me a while as i wanted to make sure i did things right but... it all worked and went together perfectly.

the shifting was a bit off at first but after a quick suggestion from the freeze thaw boys, i think i may have fixed it. i'll know for sure tomorrow if it starts jumping on the climbs.

i'm proud!! it was my first bike repair job that was actually quite successful.

next up are the brakes on the cross bike and cleaning my rims which i didn't know how to do properly until today.

working on bikes is the next best study break to riding bikes. there's a sense of accomplishment but alas there is something relaxing about some good tunes and a little grease...

so the fascinating animal of the day is the camel. Did you know that the camel's poop is so dry that it can be used to fuel fires? its not as cool as the lungfish but...

ah yes, the things you learn when studying physiology...

and on that note, sleep calls...

lungs

the theme for today is lungs...

Daily trivia: name that fish

it walks. it breaths AIR. and it can hibernate (well aestivate) for up to 5 years ON LAND (Well kinda)... and it can be really really big.

it's the lungfish. how cool is that?

lung story number two deals with asthma, cold weather, and CLIMBING. cecilia and i decided to tackle some hills today. the weather was ominous with sprinkles of rain and gnarly wind so we did a shortened black mo route cutting out rattlesnake and extending out to meeks lane and home. we were tempted to take a dirt road she had heard about that cut off some of rattlesnake but were unsure of how solid / packed it would be and i wasn't sure where it was.

on the way, i was reminded why an inhaler is a good thing to have - when it gets cold. tight lungs = limited O2 intake. fun fun. also fun was large semi's blasting past us on 220. yes, it was my hair brained id to take that route... don't ask the girl that can't think beyond the difference between anova and ancova, counter-current exchange mechanisms and global warming to coherently pick a suitable and safe route...

studying is taking a turn for the better. while i'm still holed up on my couch, it's like ...

i'm actually learning something.

go figure. funny how that works. confidence is on the rise as is the number of books among my spread of study materials in the living room.

fun fun. and on that note - back to the books.

writing on the wall

these words were once written...

I'll always be your friend because I dont know if anyone has the ability to connect on our level.

such strong words - but not followed through. i sometimes wonder if there was any truth to them. is there just one? are there many out there? there are so many million people out there... is it shallow to think that only one is really right? and is it true that they'll really, always be my friend -- no matter what?

sleepless

sleepless nights have plagued me as of late. it's a combination of many things on my mind, most of which involve study, family and life. today it took its toll as i woke up feeling completely devoid of energy.

lucky enough i was able to take a day off from work, study at home and even squeeze in a nap and a walk with chaya. what a difference that made as my head has stopped spinning, i'm feeling more coherent and finally able to focus again.

i've spent time wondering where i'll end up. school and work have always been such a focus however, i'm slowly realizing that the material rewards, goals & promotions achieved, degrees earned and so on that both provide still don't fill certain voids that are seemingly paramount to true happiness and fulfillment. it's taken so long to figure this out; now it's time to wonder...

is it too late?

only time will tell.

frozen toes

it's that time of the year. brisk nights bring the best nights' sleep - windows open, fresh air, wrapped up in blankets. even chaya takes to curling up to conserve heat. my favorite nights are those when i know i can sleep in the next day. there's nothing like waking up relaxed, and cool.

but brisk nights being brisk mornings and bike rides in 40 degree wind. it's been a while, but the arm and leg warmers came out today. 2+ hours later and my feat were tingling, toes bright red and walking hurt for the first 15 minutes as i made my way to the shower in my building. sadly enough it wasn't really that cold. my feet just never seem to warm up once they chill on the bike. i must have inherited the wimpy-feet gene.

but it was damn worth it as i needed the time to clear my head and mush of a brain. i may have reached a temporary over saturation this week. it's ok though as there's always tomorrow.

pseudo what??

pseudoreplication...

just say no.

that's all i have to say tonight.

RIP

alex died. how sad
i've been reading about him for years. african greys are, without a doubt, one of the coolest birds. RIP buddy.

swelling

There are times, when it seems like everything is swollen.

• life's challenges
• my knee - (damn minicus)
• my brain
• bubbles' ankle (love the new nickname)
• workload.

it comes down to the fact that the swelling always goes down. sometimes it takes time, medication, sleep or a nice tall house margarita (on the rocks thanks), or a good smack across the face. whatever the case, you figure it out and all returns to normal.

it's early in the study game but my brain is flooded with information - and every day, i add more, refreshing the old, clarifying the grey. the exam - in a month and a half. the feeling - trying to cram an entire undergraduate and graduate level's worth of science and stats classes, into 2 months. the greatest fear -

that there is something that they ask that i know nothing about.

it could happen. then again, i could also get run over by a yellow school bus on my way to work tomorrow morning. those school bus drivers are the worst!

one thing i'm learning in this process is that i have a damn cool advisor. he's spent time patiently helping me prep via reading my sometimes jumbled test essays, and responding to sometimes confused questions, directing me to information that might help. that's what an advisor is for. i am convinced i picked wisely.

ps. if you are reading this and know anything about experimental design, i could use a good text recommendation / web site that provides an overview.
the end. :)

life's little annoyances

While I am a generally positive person, there are times when I feel the acute desire and /or need to bitch about life's little annoyances, many of which stem from interactions with people.

Today's gripes are listed below in the form of people who...

• respond and criticize work that you've done without thoroughly reading it.
• love the sound of their own voice, more than truth and reality
• feel the need to zip past you on your bike and then make a sharp right hand turn in front of you
• feel the need to criticize in the negative just to feed their own insecurities
• are constantly putting other people down - no matter who they are and how well they know them
• make simple questions highly complex
• interrupt and even attempt to participate while you're talking on the phone
  
• are more interested in other people's lives than they should be
• are stuck in their own bubbles and are unable to consider life's situation elsewhere

there are more but... alas, i'm tired. feel free to add at will... i'm in need of an early am bike ride and thus sleep calls...

life on the ridge

It is all too easy to get frustrated with small town life. Sometimes, the people, the small town cliques, limited nightlife, et al become monotonous, incestuous, tiresome.

However, there is one thing that makes this small town stand out. the forest. its trails and fire roads are endless. and as you roll over the packed gravel pavement, you leave the reality of work, education, obligations, regulations and drama, and enter a peaceful, beautiful calm.


Three days in a row of amazing rides - topped off by a long, challenging, fire road exploration on the cross bike. Turns out rocky upper gettis it a bitch when your legs are giving out on a cross bike. burn all the way!

Today we took the dogs up to the ridge. We started up kettle - which was MUCH MORE PLEASANT to climb than the other side of kettle.

The top of the ridge is an AMAZING PLACE. i'd only heard about this side of the forest but had never explored.

Fueled by the forest, fire takes the old and rejuvenates with new. Lifeless vertical remnants creating visually stunning vertical walls along the high bush blue berry and mtn laurel lined trail.

There were two hawks out today searching for food & drifting in the wind.

The gas line, supporting an open meadow of ferns, queen anne's lace and other wildflowers.

Someone built a small rocky obstacle along-side the trail - would love to see someone ride that someday.

It's easy to get caught up in life's struggles. School, health, family, relationships, friends... can become overwhelming at times. But the woods are always there, right in the backyard - and so calming - and so incredibly beautiful. And such a reminder of why this town is really unique place to be.

a little help... or not. BEWARE OF LONG POST

today, i had a uniquely frustrating experience with the lovely overseas employees also known as adobe tech support.

it is common knowledge that large companies, such as adobe, out source their tech support overseas, presumably to save pennies. the direct by product of this effort is a remarkable increase in customer aggravation. but they aggravate with a smile.

Here is how it works. When you make a call to tech support, you dial a 1-800 number and are transfered to a computer-automated system that asks you to select from a series of vague numeric menus.

press 1 for..
press 2 if youre...
press 3 ...

it used to be that you could bypass this nonsense by "staying on the line" for an operator to assist you. however in the digital age, this no longer exists.

so if you are lucky enough to remember options 1-9, you select one. if you are unlucky to get to listen to them all over again. which is loads of fun.

back to the case in point, this automated system is supposed to direct you to the support group that can best resolve your issues.

we have been having issues with coldfusion. for those of you who are not part of the macromedia and adobe cults, adobe, long ago, bought out macromedia making itself the digital graphics, multi-media & web giant. so, to get tech support for macromedia products, you need to go through Adobe.

I called today because i attempted to register coldfusion mx (and old version) online to initial a web tech support case. apparently there is no direct support line to call for coldfusion (or so says the web). after i was routed by the automated system, i was greeted by a friendly operator with a heavy accent, reminiscent of past grad student friends from india. i explained my issue as thus:

i'm having browser specific issues with a web application. we think that there might be a conflict between this old version of coldfusion and the new version of IE. i'd like to talk to tech support about upgrading to understand if this might resolve our issues.

to me this was a simple enough statement to which the response was:

"ok, let me tranfer you to the .... department for assistance. here is the number just in case you lose this connection. can i help you with anything else today?"

onward i went. after 10 minutes worth of elevator music, another operator picked up.

they asked me my name, and what product i was having problems with. they assured me that if they could not immediately help me they would transfer me to someone who could.

"can i please have your customer id?"
"i don't have a customer id" i responded.

"ok, please tell me your problem"

i explained the problem - again - and i got the same response
"we can't help you with this problem here, let me transfer you to tech support to help you with this problem.

me: "ok"
operator: "is there anything else i can help you with today?"
me "no thanks"

more elevator music ensued

another operator picked up after a while and proceeded with the same line of questions... i'll do my best to help you... bla bla bla... and i'll transfer you if i can't help you... bla bla bla. .. and oh yea:

"customer id please"
"i don't have a customer id!"

"product please"
"cold fusion"
"i can't help you but i'll transfer you to tech support.

but wait - i thought you were tech support?
guess not... and onward i went

more elevator music and tech support answered the line - they were choppy and between the bad connection and the thick accent i could barely understand their words. apparently they speaker phone was bad because eventually the gentleman picked up the receiver and became clear.

"can i have your customer id"
"i don't have a customer id"

"well, we can't help you, i'll transfer you to customer service for assistance."
"i've already spoken to customer service and 4 other people"
"maam - i can't help you without a customer id"

i realized that this was one battle i wasn't going to win so back to customer service i went.

more elevator music (catching a pattern yet?)

back to customer service i am greeted by:

"can i please have your customer id"
at this point i decided to change my tactic.
"i would like for YOU to give me a customer ID because i don't have one."

for the love of sweet goodness people, give me a friggin break and help a sister out!

i think the customer service dude was tickled by this. he chuckled.
"ok maam i can help you with that!"
"oh, and you're the fifth or 6th person i've spoken to over the past 45 minutes"

he did his best. he put me in the system, got my name, address, etc and gave me my very own customer ID.

YES!

AND he assured me that he would do EVERYTHING he could to HELP ME OR he would transfer me to someone who could help. now, we're making forward progress right?

the fun had only begun.

great.

after all of my information had been entered into the computer, out came my VERY OWN CUSTOMER ID NUMBER.

oh yes. i know you're jealous.

i was sure i was ready to resolve my issue!

"ok maam i'm going to transfer you directly to dave in technical support - he can help you with your issue with coldfusion"

DOUBLE YES! not only was i going to be transferred to tech support, but the said technician had a NAME.

after another brief elevator music interlude, dave - who apparently also goes by ronnie picked up the phone. do people of international descent typically have names like dave or ronnie i wondered?

"can i have your customer id please".

I GAVE HIM THE DAMN ID.

"ok, can i have your name"

Two for two - this is going well

"can i please have your serial number"

i gave him the serial number - not one, not two, not three, but FOUR TIMES. adobe needs to replace all of the headsets / speakerphones that they provide their employees with because they sure do not work.

"yes, D as in DOG, C as in CAT"
"NO, not T as in Trolley, C as in Cat"

after all of this..

"i'm sorry but your serial number is invalid"

um, we bought the software, i know, for a fact, that it is not invalid. it may be OLD but certainly not invalid.

back to customer service i went.

to make a really really LONG story short, i was transferred to 3 more "customer service people" ALL of whom asked for my customer id number and asked me to describe my issue. They also all told me my serial was invalid or i was talking to the wrong department, OR i had a site license not a single seat or... who knows.

it was great.

an hour plus and 10 support "gurus" later, i was back at square one. I explained my predicament to the last gentleman who was "going to do whatever he could to help me or transfer me to someone who could help me".

he told me he could just start a case number for my issue and pass it on to the tech support people even though my serial number was no where to be found in their system.

thank friggin goodness!!! it's about damn time!!!

an hour and a half later, i was being transferred to someone in tech support - armed with a customer ID, a CASE NUMBER, AND my 2 line problem - should we PAY YOUR COMPANY to upgrade our software.

and here is what i get
"where sorry, the number that you have dialed can not be connected - please try again later...."

CLICK.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE FRIGGIN' KIDDIN' ME MAN.

at this point in the day, i needed to step away from my desk and my job and walk outside.

and yes, ladies and gentleman i never did get to talk to an actual tech support person about my problem!!!

if you were patient enough to read through this please know that i understand that people of all nationalities are equally deserving of jobs if their skill sets make them deserving. However, between the lack of knowledge of the products, the accents which made communication a challenge, the TERRIBLE headsets that kept breaking up the line, and the general lack of organization, i became increasingly FRUSTRATED and DOUBTFUL of the efficiency of this tech support hotline network.

beware. Beware of those seemingly innocent 1-800 tech support hotlines. If you feel like you are getting no where with them, chances are your luck will not improve.

HANG UP and save yourself the time!!! if you want to try your patience, and kill 2 hours of your day, give the wonderful guys at adobe customer support a call.

and oh yea - ask for dave.

le tour

is this all that's bigger?

sometimes they all...

from time to time i contemplate people and their respective interactions. actually all of the time is a bit more realistic. it seems that, for the most part, people are only interested in what suits their needs at any particular time. there are many friends and relationships out there however a very VERY select few truly consider others as individuals who are true people as opposed to individuals that some way, some how, suit their needs.

i've gotten to a point where i can accept that fact that many people, if not most people, generally suck... this acknowledgment allows one to generally interact with others, accepting the fact that they might ultimately turn, disappoint, etc, etc... accept - move on. it happens.

it's like the ex who cheated on you. or who u gave everything and in return he took everything he could. or the one who decided he'd no longer talk to you - who knows why.

it's a funny funny world when you contemplate these things and try to make sense of them. opening up to someone yields vulnerability and sometimes - sometimes they really just don't care or can't see past their own life bubbles. then you realize that other people's decisions are theirs to make - good or bad - mean-spirited or well intentioned. and all you can do is move forward, finding happiness in the little things around you that could be fleeting, but at the moment are beautiful and rewarding.

maybe this is why we are all, for the most part, searching for that one person who will see the other as beautiful on all levels and accept. because atleast we know that when everyone else around us disappoints, that one will still be there - with best intentions in mind.

still there are some days when they all just suck. come to terms with it now. it's not worth a fight.

llamas

This weekend has been all about the bike. Yesterday, in recovery from both a previous day's ride, and a late night out i ventured out to visit the llamas with the ladies. this ride could only be characterized by a few words... stop and chase-down.

within only a few minutes of starting the ride, my saddle bag came loose. whatever - i stopped to fix it and raced to catch back up.
right as we crossed over to venture down whitehall to tadpole, my chain slipped off trying to shift into the big chain ring... the front derrailier has been sticking lately and in general has been a pain in my ass... so i had to stop, fix it, ... race to catch-up. at the bottom of whitehall i finally caught up for the second time... and onward we went. out of no where i felt a sharp sting on my leg. as the sting intensified i stopped to check it out. turns out i had been stung - and it hurt! it was starting to swell and once again, - for the third time i needed to chase down the pack... with a partially swollen thigh.

awesome.

atleast there were the llamas. they were out basking in the sun and rolling in the dirt (did you know that llamas roll on their backs - just like dogs do? i sure didn't.) and atleast the pace was relaxed and the weather couldn't have been more perfect.

it was just one of those days i guess...