armstrong + olson = wtf????

from luna - hard to believe.

anticipation

it's unreal that after all of the months... d-day... well c-day is less than 48 hours away.

ive reviewed it all. i've read and highlighted entire text books. i've written, and studied, and focused... and now it's here.

i know if i fail that this discipline is not in my cards. and if i pass that it's so incredibly interesting that i know i'll never give it up.

i'm ansy but not stressed. i feel like i've prepared and dont feel i could have done much more given the time allotted and my background in the field. i'm ready to get all of this knowledge out of my head, onto paper. and to put all of the books away - even if just for the weekend.

the best part is last minute, i also was asked to give a talk in a 3 hour professional conference session on campus friday. nothing like a little excitement to get the day rolling!!! 8:30 am reporting time - 9am talk till noon (i'm one of three speakers)... 1pm exam.

YES!

atleast i don't feel the need to cram - so i can study and prepare for my talk tomorrow...
Friday is the day.
Friday night is the night - time to let lose - atleast temporarily as friday marks part 1 or 2.

that's all i have to say about that. back to the books...

packers

this is why i love the packers.

beautiful!

and to think he almost retired.

a thousand words

enjoy the view.
up we go.


and back down - and back up.

challenge: how stinky can we get?


















H. virginiana in bloom - genus: spectacular spp.








at the top p ii - the second ridge we traversed on this fine day.











picturesque.











the beautiful- weighted clouds in full form.









the descent. water's returned.
the forest... and the end - for now.

up yours

yesterday pam and i decided to take the dogs hiking. being a football game weekend, we decided to start at Shingletown Gap to avoid the 322 football exodus madness.

the expectation was a quiet walk in the woods - with few people in sight. the reality was way more people that expected.

Not too far up the trail two huskies come flying at us trailed by a couple. pam had her dog on leash and tried to keep her away from the dogs as she doesn't always get along with dogs on leash. chaya was right by my side. the dog starts with aidia and then moves on to poor chaya...

snarl!

i hear it - and yell "woah, back off". the owner tries to grab the dog, chaya squeals and tries to hide behind pam.

the man reprimands his dog and the couple attempts to round them up. pam tells them

"you know you guys really should have better control of your dogs if they're going to be off leash"
and all i heard was a chipmunk version "fuck off".
no she didn't.

she did. the woman told us to fuck off.
"um lady, your dog bit my dog"
"dogs play" she retorted. since shingletown gap is Obviously a dog park!
i generally avoid confrontation but - you don't mess with my dog. call it maternal instinct. i lost my cool. out of my mouth came every 4 letter insult that i could put together.

productive.

i thought about following them... but i knew that would be in vain.

in the end, they went their way, we went ours.
i was irritated - and still am. not only had my dog been put in a compromising position, but also, i had lost my cool and stooped to her level. a woman who obviously doesn't know what hiking in the woods really is. and who certainly has no respect for or knowledge about dogs and people's personal space!

this is people suck post #xxxiii... to be continued

flab to fab

The gym is my time. It is the one place, in this world, where i can find absolute peace, solice, silence... it's just me and my mp3 player... my torn up bike gloves.... and water bottle.

the past few months though have been devoid of gym time. i decided that it was either - ride bikes - lift - or swim. given my anti-social tendencies i decided sticking with group rides was a healthy choice.

and it was.

so now, with the days cooling, the winds picking up and just a few days left before the big exam, i'm thinking it's time to get back to the gym.

yesterday was the first time i'd lifted in a WHILE. i had a long day at work and just was feeling like crap. i knew working out would make everything better. after a good 40 minutes of cardio, i hit the free weights.

apparently though, riding bikes and holding up 1000 page bio books do not constitute upper body workouts. i kinda felt like this lady to the right looks - all flab - no fab.

given the rather humbling experience of starting with 15 pound dumb bells for bench press - YIKES - and maxing out at 20... still YIKES... i realized that i had a lot of work to do before i could look like this chic (see right). look at her military press impeccable form.

oh yea baby. hah!
ouch.

i focused on core - which... cough
ouch.
felt great at the time but hurts to laugh today.

it's ok cause i'm on my way from
FLAB to FAB. then i can be cool like this guy (see right). although he's way too into his hair. that or he is a fresh prince 80's wanna be.

you decide.

just another day

it was just another day...
i went into work after scrambling last night to make sure my boss had what he needed from me to attended a meeting down in the 'burg - hburg that is... with the guys and gals who provide support in the form of soft money (grants) that feed our little program - and indirectly, my little furry girl chaya.

i went in today figuring the boss would be gone and i could focus on a few projects in peace, go to class, meet my girl NIC for a quick coffee break, and then return to focused work.

this didn't happen, within a few moments of arriving, my boss came down and asked me to attend the meeting with him and another coworker.

ok. but i was hardly dressed for the occasion looking more like an undergrad wage-payroll.

i ran home - well drove actually seeing as it was raining out... changed ... ran back only to be met by a few more tasks that needed to be done before we left and multiple phone calls about varying issues such as...

the server is down.

talk about fine timing! the best part was being on the phone discussing the server and having another call come in and put on hold for me - all the while my boss and coworker are pacing in the lab - ready to leave.

it's all in a day's work i guess! and today was just one of those days.

in the end, it was cool to see how the whole process works. grants, proposals - the logistical and bureaucratic world of funded projects is a world that i've managed to avoid for the most part for a few years now... it's time to learn. i came home wiped out - in the rain so there was no time on the rockhopper for me and chaya... and hit the books...

another night of the usual... following just another day.

oh how i miss thee

there was a time when all was copasetic in the world of bicycle tires. they would inflate to a cool 116-118 PSI at will using an readily available Park Professional model floor pump.

i remember those times well. life was good.

then, one day said pump went away, leaving behind an old Trek floor pump - you know the kind that you have to unscrew in order to switch from presta to schraeder? yea - we didn't get along so well.

so i decided to upgrade. i wanted to support the local shops so i walked in and asked for a recommendation. i came home with a wrench force floor pump - all shiny and new - with a dual head nozzle that reminded me of my former friend, park.

but looks can be deceiving...
a few weeks ago i was putting air in the serotta b4 a ride. i heard an unfamiliar whistle and couldn't figure out what it was. but this tire was refusing to inflate. i went to get in my car to take it to the shop and my car wouldn't start.

awesome.

i finally got myself over and it turns out i had ripped the valve off of the tube (a slight rip but enough to ruin it). great. i also brought the pump. it was obvious that the pump stuck as both shop owners fought with it for a bit. they put a little grease on the puppy (the pump head, not my dog), fixed the flat and off i went to ride in peace.

so the other day i get up for a morning ride. i am a bit tense as i only have a short time to ride - seeing as studying is a high priority these days. front tire - air - done. rear tire... i go to inflate and ... the familiar hiss...

i have no idea what i did - but crap i knew i had busted the valve off of the tube - YET AGAIN. i was running short on time as i wanted to catch the group and so i quickly switched out the tube with a fresh one... now this fresh tube had a smooth valve - missing the RIDGES that you see on the valve to the right...

as i began to pump up the tire, the pump head proceeded to fly off! this happened many times over.

awesome.

each time the tire reached any sort of pressure, the pump head would go flying off of the valve (in a locked position) releasing any air that i had successfully forced into the tire.

while this image of me fighting with my pump may have been well-suited to inspire laughter via a youTube video, at that given moment, there was nothing comical about said situation. i was nothing short of pissed. chaya hid in the corner wondering why mom was swearing at inanimate objects.

great.

time was quickly passing and i was officially late.
i placed the pump head onto the valve and held it with my left hand - pumping with my right. pumping up a road tire with one hand is no easy feat at 8am when you haven't eaten, drank anything and are grumpy as hell.

i managed to get close to 110 PSI - and i gave up. after all it was only the read tire and i could hopefully convince one of the boys to help me out if i got ANOTHER FLAT on the way there.

when i finally made it to the shop, i spoke with frank about my pump situation since had had mediated things last time. i purchased a new gromit and on i went - apparently these things wear out after extended use. later in the day i decided to tackle both fixing the pump and that annoying squeak coming from the back of the bike...i looked at the gromit - then the pump.

gromit - pump. i couldn't figure out how that round thing was ever going to fit over the much smaller presta portion of my pump.

wrong part!

to make a long story - short..(er)...
a new part had to be ordered...
and i'm still missing my beloved park professional floor pump.

i'm convinced that if i added up all of the accumulated tubes ammased due to this other pump, i would find i had already purchased a better, more-l-friendly pump.

so needless to say, yet another pump may be joining the household in the not so distance future. this old(ish) one blows.

slowin down

it's that time of the year... the air is cooler, the nights crisp, the rides are shorter.

i went to the weekly 9am shop ride saturday. i figured it had been a while since i actually road with a group! :) it was an amazing thing to have a a group of 8 people - willing to venture out on a rather windy, but not too cool day. it was the first time i'd ridden with paul in AGES... first time i'd seen ben in even longer and glover and harry were both there too.

we set out for a 50 or so miler, all flat... and i instantly remember why the wind and i don't get along. i was at the front pulling next to glover... and i just couldn't hang. as hard as i tried, and tried, to keep pace, within a few miles i had over exerted myself and i cracked falling off of the back. ouch. ho - aka cowboy dropped back to pull me into the group... phew.

recovery was quick and i made my way back... but it was just one of those days where - the wind - got the better of me. i think after a while, we all got a little tired of fighting the wind - or perhaps it died down some...

needless to say it was a slow ride - filled with some great debate about the new WRXs (PANSY). the nice thing about glover is when he's not kicking ass in the paceline he's talking about cars. and which ones can fit his entire family... nice.

yesterday i tackled BLACK mo. it HURT. i am out of shape. and as much as i love climbing - my legs were not having it. i guess sitting on your ass studying hours at a time doesn't do much for your quads and hamstrings. nor does riding the day before in the wind.

The weekend was topped of with a walk in the woods with chaya, luna & t-bone aka devil dog. and then a night of watching the steelers get their @ss handed to them by the broncos - guess they were missing the porter "they shot me in the @ss in Denver" inspiration.

recovery


the road to recovery includes (but is not limited to):
  • studying from 9am till midnight with some breaks in between of course. all of the classic literature has been officially COVERED - read, reread, highlighted and notes taken.
  • an ample supply of swedish fish - aquatic creatures version - YES. there's nothing like munching on yellow gummy star fish all the while reading about Paine and his keystone predator experiments starring... the starfish! (not the gummy kind though - that would be plain silly)
  • many many study break loops around the neighborhood on the rockhopper with chaya in tow
  • lots of seltzer with a hint of sweetened lime juice
  • baking of brownies - choc mint with icing which i don't even really want to eat. but i can't help but love baking
  • a healthy dinner of spinach tofu curry...mmmm
  • short talk with e for moral support
  • a little more studying
  • sleep
Here it is.... the pile... somewhat organized...of books, class notes, reference materials. And of course my loyal companion close in toe.

The pile... but wait, there's more.

the stats book is rightfully UPSIDE DOWN. THIS is my perception of STATS. And oh yes, there's MORE.

at this point, she might actually know more than me. atleast she's better off.

snapped

and it came... the break down.

late last night i was studying and... in came

duh duh duh....the practice exam. complements of the "upper classmen"- aka those who have already passed this damn test that is now only 2 weeks away.

i took a quick look. question 1... ok... question 2... ok.
then i got to a group of 3 questions created by a woman whome i studied with 2 years ago as practice to initiate myself into a foreign field.

OH CRAP.

my fear was realized. topics that i didn't know.. scientists i did know - topics i didn't. the paradox of what? the cycle of what? huh? oh geez. i know parts of the questions, but not the specific topic in its entirety.

the heart began to race and i closed the email.
back to the books i went... i think somewhere around 2 or so (AM) i realized i should go to sleep as my eyes were glazing over and my brain feeling saturated. tomorrow was another day.

today was my day off to focus on school. i set my alarm and woke up this am motivated to read read read.

crap.

while the extreme panic has subsided somewhat i'm still wondering why i'm doing this. and why i'm also making such a big deal out of a test that i may or may not pass. why i'm letting my insecurities surrounding my base in science as a discipline and surrounding my own intelligence and ability to surmount obstacles, get in the way.

after all it's just a test.

surprise!



To make up for my last post which was negative and down as i was feeling yesterday and today, i thought I would write about some good things which brightened my day in the past few hours. I was sitting in my lab - working away. it was nearing 5 and i was contemplating leaving, when i got an unexpected surprise visit from a dear friend who i used to work with... ms pamela and her crazy pooch had made me a study care package - full of all of the necessities that I will absolutely require to make it through the next few weeks...

please note the carefully crafted bag - made, i presume by her niece and nephew. the card above of course is just so perfect.



Take careful note of the items included in this package. the sticky notes which i have already begun to spread around my lab... these will inevitably end up on the doors / desks / chairs of many of my unsuspecting colleagues and friends. an ample supply of gummy candy - which in my world may last a day or two but is without a doubt, a necessity. :) scented candles, and of course, last but not least - the princess crown... i was pretty stoked about the crown. i mean i've always wanted one and my wish has come true.

i'm a princess.

so i put it one and wore it around the lab. a friend from my study group came in with some GIS questions - she was taken aback but proceeded with her questions - with a straight face. Better yet was when i walked - through the lobby and across the hall to the computer lab where she was working to help her out with her lab - wearing my crown ofcourse.

awesome. i contemplating attending the ecology grad student meeting wearing it - or wearing on my bike ride home... however i didn't make it to the meeting and decided it wouldn't make the ride home in one piece.


and then there's none other than... my ridiculous dog. always good for a laugh - at her expense of course.


the end... thanks for all of the words of support and encouragement!! means a lot and really brightened my day :).

mistake

why is it that you never realize that something is a mistake until it's over and thus too late?

when removed from a long-term relationship, life changes.

quickly.

first, there is relief - to a degree. if things were bad and you were hurting each other, there can be a sense of liberation that comes from not having to fight it out, one more day. then comes, serious withdrawal - this is where you have to relearn how to do everything that you used to share with someone else - even if just verbally - alone.

How to experience and deal with a bad day - on your own.
How to celebrate and be excited about something really cool - on your own.
How to cook dinner for 1.
How to come home to an empty house.
How to wake up, and go to bed alone - day in and day out.

the withdrawal can be rough - but i think rougher yet is dealing with moving on and attempting to "get out there again" and test out other people.

why? because for one, you're just getting acclimated to doing it all solo... and fresh in your mind is how hard this transition was. and two, you don't want to experience the pain that you endured - ever.

but back to the mistake... sometimes you try something out that you're not sure about, but you figure that it could be right. and shit hits the fan.

breaking up with someone can be hard. you don't want to hurt their feelings. and normally you hope that you can still really be friends. atleast i hope that. but sometimes breaking up can be blown out of proportion - with the other person reacting in a way that makes you wonder
if

a. they are truly crazy
b. perhaps you really hurt them and they are lashing out releasing craziness
c. maybe you screwed up

i keep going through a conversation that i had with someone months ago... where i simply stated "can we just be friends? i can't really be in a relationship right now." seemed like a simple, clean and straight forward way to end things.

this conversation lasted well over an hour and at the end, i thought things were OK.

out of the blue, weeks and weeks AND WEEKS later, comes the ranting email - apparently i was going back and changing old blogs to "target" and "make said friend feel guilty".

i was blown away as
1. i never changed an old blog - why bother? lame.
2. i couldn't understand how he thought i was writing about him when in my mind what i was writing was in no way related to him.

i came to a realization - apparently he truly believed that everything that i wrote was about him. that he was the only relationship that i had ever had. when to me, the relationship was so short and devoid of true, strong connection, that it hardly compared to others that i had experienced through the course of my life. and to me, when he discussed the idea of being a girlfriend - i made it clear that i wasn't there or ready for that. it wasn't at that level.

accusatory emails can be hurtful. especially when you tell the accuser that you didn't "mean that" and "didn't do that" and they tell you you're wrong! And then comes the gossip...

where they tell their friends what a terrible person you are.

apparently in this case, an HOUR+ long phone conversation that, only occurred because they were supposed to see each other that day and illness prevented the meeting, turned into them being "DUMPED over email".

i keep wracking my brain - trying to figure out where all of this is coming from as in my world - which i'd like to consider reality, is fiction.

the most upsetting and disturbing part of this scenario is knowing that there are a contingent of people in this town where i live, who are close to said accuser, that believe his stories. and thus think of me in bad light.

i had a long talk tonight with one of my true close friends that somewhat calmed me down. i know i shouldn't worry so much about what other people think. and i know that this is especially true of younger people who perhaps lack life's experiences as i've had. but still i don't like to think that opinions are being formed based on false information.

and i'm still trying to figure out where i went wrong - to make him so angry. and what i could have done different to prevent this situation from occurring in the first place.

who knows i guess. all i know is that it's upsetting. and it's all false blown out of proportion & made up drama. and i have to suck it up and focus on what and who is real around me - wearing blinders to all of the other crap. and i guess in the end you need to experience and deal with these mistakes; in this case the mistake was ever initiating anything with this person. and learn to pick more carefully.

ok i think i'm done venting for tonight. people are frustrating.

time

it has almost become the norm - rushing last minute to complete a (fill in the blank)...

- presentation
- paper
- project
- .... you get the idea

the norm today was an hour and a half conference presentation that my boss and i started - last night of course!

woo hoo!

it was a topic that i've put a bit of work into in the past - and a powerpoint was prepared, by me of course. the plan: i steer the computer, he does all of the talking. i'm fried these days so unless it involves ecology, i'm more than happy to sit back and click away.

if this had been a long time ago i might have panicked - a talk - a long one at that - in front of professionals. but now... i was calm. i just did what i could and we made our way down to the conference room.

i focused the entire time -this was in part a live demo, i had to keep up with what he was saying- and try to anticipate which one of the many, many, many datasets were we using, - what would he would want to bring up and manipulate next?

it's all in a day's work i guess... and with this i feel i've earned an early day home. the day started early enough to allow 8 hours to pass... and chaya made a special request to chase me around on the rockhopper tonight (i'd be on the rockhopper of course - she has yet to learn how to ride a bike)...

is it really the 16th? is it really that close to my exam? hard to believe so much time has past...and the weird thing is that i'm almost looking forward to it as then it will be done and behind me....

phew...

Juice

so i have this ... e-hem... friend.
she's not so bright.

she is in the middle of studying for a huge exam - something to do with a phd - who knows what that is all about.

Anyway, this... friend, has a setup in her living room where all of her papers - notes from past courses, new notes, books upon books, are spread out across a full sized couch and adjacent oversized chair and leg rest. it's one big "l" of papers.

the other night, she was studying late - as always... the next evening, after work, she plopped down in her usual spot - to study some more. she noticed next to her lay a highlighter.

an orange highlighter.

to her dismay, she realized the cap was off and the tip had made contact with the fabric of the couch... osmosis at work.

perhaps there were notes on the couch that needed recognition. perhaps the middle portion of the couch itself was feeling bland and in need of highlights. but... crap.

in short, there was a lovely bright orange stain on her super cool, soft micro-fiber brown couch.

DEAD CENTER.

she tried and tried to remove the stain - to soak up the ink with water and seltzer.... but alas, much ink was pulled from the fabric yet...the stain persists.

so now what? a friend suggests rubbing alcohol as a possible remedy. however she has read this may (or may not) discolor said couch.

should she try it?

let me know so i can pass it on to my friend. and oh yea, if anyone has an orange highlighter to spare, mine mysteriously dried out.

thanks.

old

i turned the tv on tonight to destress... vh1 is showing a hip hop honors show, paying tribute to all sorts of old school 80's, and 90's hip hop. wreckx-n-effx, new jack city, eric b and rakim... played by neyo (that boy can dance), nelly, krs-one and others... if you can zone out the entourage of advertisements in between each 2 minute set....its actually an awesome show.

living in such a small town, the internet is my only connection to any sort of good music. no clubs, no radio stations... i wonder, watching this, how much of the audience really knows and appreciates true -- old school - and early 90's flavor. the dancing...and what the future of hip hop will be, when it becomes a fad of the past like electronic, burried with the britney spears and all the other pop one or a few hit wonders...

it will be interesting to see if in 20 years, 50 cent is the kiss of yesterday. with my kids or my friends' kids listening to what's new and cool, while mom and dad rocking out to the "oldies" - you know like nas, tribe or mobb deep.

the oldies featuring 50 cent...what a thought.

life on the ridge pII

if you haven't already figured it out, the one thing about this town that i absolutely love, adore, value more than anything else is the forest. and one of my favorite times of the year to explore the woods is the fall, when the temperatures cool, the leaves change and slowly drop and the air is crisp with that slight and ever so perfect breeze. today, i decided to do something different and hike with a group - of the human variety as opposed to canine. we headed out to allen seeger at about 11 - made our way out 26 in search of the paved road that makes it way back to the natural area parking lot. it was strange on many counts - one driving to the forest on roads (and not fire roads) 2 - driving in the forest (not being on a bike!).
for many different reasons, we never quite made it to seeger, but we did make our way up boal gap road to hit the mid state, down little flat to north meadows and then bear meadows and back.. this was one stretch of the mid state that i hadn't done - the rocks that make rothrock. where hiking shoes go to die... on the way we passed a cyclist - on foot. it seems like no trip to the woods these days is complete without seeing someone that either is - or usually is on a bike.

it was a warm day and chaya drank up both of my water bottles. seems like it's time to invest in a pack that also carries extra water for ME.

on the way home i had calls from ruk and luna about dinner... what the hell - i figure if you've already spent an entire day not studying - what's a few more hours? this was a perfect excuse to not study a little longer. we ate, got ice cream at DQ and watched the ducks and trout fight over fish food as the sun was setting over spring creek. it was a beautiful way to end a perfect day. home i went to a tired pooch and my ever growing pile of books. i even managed to get a good 3+ hours of studying done. i guess that's acceptable for a leisurely sunday.

DOPE

damn - not again. this one is beyond belief. is there such a thing as a clean athlete to look up to these days?

better yet - here are a few others. I love the effort put into the research -- runner, runner, runner - cyclist who's been in cnn headlines for months - runner. guilt is not to be found in other sports - really.

weight lifted

the doctor's office can be the most daunting place in the world. cold, dismal. the waiting - minutes feel like hours. all the equipment surrounding is less than comforting... which ones do what you wonder. i sat and sat, anxiety rising waiting to be done with what i had been worrying about for over a month. there are some times when the thought of anesthesia isn't all that bad. to kill the anxiety atleast.

... in the aftermath i walked out with entire body tension, knotted stomach, nausea, spinning head, shaky hands, legs tired from being tense for the duration. i pushed the clutch down in my subi and realized my legs were still quivering - all from my own anxiety of course. i guess this is fairly common as the nurse confirmed "you're not going to pass out are you?"before i left the office. apparently many people pass out.

it's over and now i don't have to anticipate it - just wait for hopefully encouraging results. now i can study with a clear mind.

ironically, while this was all going on, i was being called from work... guess what - the server crashed and apparently the other person who should be able to fix things couldn't get it to restart. unbeknownst to me, i am now a server expert. i texted my boss before i went in - ummmm... i'm kinda preoccupied right now but i'll drop by the lab when i'm done if i can.

lightheaded and nauseous, i avoided as much communication as possible with colleagues, coerced the server to reboot and homeward i went to recover. i finished off the day with a trip to the vets office. poor chaya is now on a diet, the little porker has gained close to 5 pounds!! poor girl.
she also has a plaque problem and needs to start flossing. i told her this but i'm not sure how receptive she was.

i guess i'll have to start brushing my dog's teeth. weird.

there are worse things i guess - and worse days. and now i have nothing to worry about other than this impending exam. so i'm back to - bring it on...

roller coaster

seems like the past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster - dealing with so much. the past has crept up in a few different ways - ugly and nasty with realized ties that needed to be cut - to the unexpected bringing with it resolution in part.

days are getting shorter and opportunities to ride decreasing. back to the pool and gym i go.

injury and energy have limited activity. soon enough though it will all heal and return.

on a happier note, my computer has become part bovine - the root being what i think is a dying power supply fan - but who knows. i never knew a desktop could moo. at some point i guess i'll take it apart and see what it's whining about.

and on that note, i think a little more studying - and then sleep calls...

wet

it's been too long...
long course
warm chlorinated h20
open sky with the sun setting

and tired tired arms.
familiar cramped calves. damn.

slow as hell but still in the water...
it's all good.

let it out, let it go

this past spring my friend's gf suggested that i read a new book. in short it's the "army guide to being a boyfriend" book all about how a guy could be the best boyfriend he could be - an insight into the female psyche yet also designed to evoke laughter and "that's so true!" from the ladies.

while the contents of the book are in part amusing, in part more true for most guys i've met and in part off the wall, there was one chapter in particular that struck me as being true - for both sexes. it's called:

keepin' crazy in the bag.
the bottom line - just in case you don't feel like reading on is that i'm convinced dating is one large social experiment controlled by the crazy gene.

If you're with me and interested to learn more -- read on.

we all are well-acquainted with crazy - or have been at atleast one point in our lives. if you deny this, then you're lying! or perhaps shy. it's there, inside of you - admit it!

crazy is released by an emotional response, triggered by some event - or perhaps biotic interaction (probably with a person - boyfriend / girlfriend but who knows - maybe fido's little mistake on your carpet or mr cactus' spine deeply implanted in your finger caused the stir).

the bottom line is that crazy, is the loose-cannon / third wheel in most if not all relationships.

crazy makes us all do and say things that are - for the most part absolutely and completely absurd - especially in retrospect! crazy manifests in different forms and intensities for different people.

here are some things that crazy makes us do
  • accuse a significant other of cheating with / hooking up with a completely ridiculous other person, simply because they are - of the opposite sex
  • accuse - the other of doing something that they absolutely did not do, write, say. and do it was utmost confidence. "oh you ____ (insert appropriate verb - did, said, meant) - i know it!" - this person has truly lost it because, they think they know what you "did, said or meant" and you KNOW, for a fact, they are wrong. In their world though, they're right. it's not worth a fight - they're possessed by the crazy.
  • repeatedly contact - call / email / text - over and over. sad but understandably crazy.
  • obsess - read and rereading old emails, blogs, letters - analyzing traces of things that really are not there. because it's always about them. unfortunate with too much time on the hands, but still crazy.
  • insult - out come the bag of things that we shared during those trusting times in the most insulting form - below the belt. sad for both parties involved- still crazy.
  • assume - that everything that you say, do, etc somehow relates to them.
  • you get the idea
ladies and gentlemen - crazy has left the bag
crazy reveals the ugliest under belly that we all try to hide. the ego. the disrespectful pride. the vain. the hurtful. the arrogance the most unfortunate part about this crazy gene that we all have is... while the person letting lose is upset - they are, in turn, invoking in the other party an unintentional (perhaps, but hopefully not intentional) emotional roller coaster. don't get drawn into a losers battle. the problem remains that they do not realize this as --
they're stuck in a state of acute delirium! aka - crazy is captain and the ship is going down.
crazy can be immediate or it can take time to bust out. sometimes weeks or even months after an interaction has occurred, the grave is plundered, deceased issues dug up. perhaps to dispel repressed anger. or perhaps in some desperate attempt to regain communication. why bother?

letting crazy out - in some ways is a form of personal, natural selection. here's why.

if we all acknowledge that it's in us to some extent (AND IT IS), then it becomes a matter of how intense, and in what form it manifests itself. thus, the true basis for ANY relationship becomes each individual's ability to deal with, control, absorb the other's true bag 'o craziness. the true level of craziness that we all hold deep inside is kept at bay at the beginning of a relationship. When it rears it's beady little eyes - in small doses or via full blown attack, the form that it takes is telling; it can make or break a relationship and a subsequent friendship.

with this natural selection in mind, comes the test-drive phase. Perhaps all of the people that we date in between those select meaningful few (ones that last more than a few months), present unique opportunities to:
  1. understand (lit review) - come to an understanding of our own bagged up crazy. if we know what we're working with, perhaps we can better control it.
  2. get it out of our system (setup the experiment). get it outta there and watch it react! ...for good - this is the crazy that we wouldn't want to expose to someone who we really care about down the road.
  3. monitor response (data and results) -- identify what reactions will be like to different levels and forms of crazy.
Dating is thus one large social experiment controlled via natural selection by way of the crazy allele.
The beauty of it all is that the digital age brings with it unique opportunities to control, mediate and mitigate potential negative feedback caused by someone else's loosely tied crazy bag. click, click, click - done. the sad part is that we all endure both sides of the crazy fence at given points in our lives be it giving or receiving and through these interactions friends are lost.

watch out buddy!

scotia rides in the past week have been quite eventful.
while a mr. roman sighting is all to be expected in the woods...
a GIANT FLOCK OF FRIGGIN turkeys... not so much.

it is the season but imagine...
riding through a grassy meadow and seeing them from afar...
frolicking, feathers blowing in the wind, chest out - strutting their stuff - 20 or so deep. thank goodness for us, i don't think they were packing.

from afar we made eye contact... it was just us - 2 kick ass cyclist-chicks on our specialized rides - and them.

one look and they were off - into and through the woods to the old rail road bed where we were inevitably going to pop out. they were up to something and we knew it.

down the trail we went - and in the distance, across the trail went they. they started to run.

we continued to ride... 10 or so dispersed into the dense woods... the rest bolted up the trail. one by one they peeled off... but we continued on - and they continued upping their pace in front of us down the wide open trail. and then there were 5... 4... 3... 2...1.... and none. they all disappeared into the woods and just like that they were gone.

on the way home the two specialized rides went their separate ways... i ventured down the bike path ... while cruising down through a wooded tract, a squirrel came out of no where - across the path, i slowed, then back towards me and right in front of my wheel - he about-faced!

SCREEEECH. i have to say that i've never "burned rubber" on my bike before - this was a first. it actually made noise. and OMG his tail was SO CLOSE to my front tire.

thank goodness... off he went into the woods and off i went. close call.
i guess it was just one of those days in the woods - where all of the animals come out to play.