the penn state cycling club's race is this weekend in State College. come out - should be fun!
http://www.clubs.psu.edu/up/bike/.
Chaya is the official race mascot. ok, well not official, but she's part of the cheering squad.
spring is here although the snow covered trails in shingletown sure doesn't reinforce this idea. the woods are spectacular for so many reasons - the many trails to hike, the miles and miles of fireroads to explore on cross bikes, the silence and solitude found on the ridge... and the list goes on...
the woods are nothing less than exquisite. and while i study the forest at a landscape scale, i truly appreciate the finer details. the shapes and colors, the movement of water over the rocks. the branches, the leaves...
this blog is thus devoted to just that - the things that i discovered just the other day - walking in the woods.
ok so maybe i didnt' discover a fuzzy labrador curled up on the carpet but... she's cute.
the water flows... some freezes along the way.
fallen birch...
droopy rhododendrons... just like me, they don't like the cold and thus can be found sulking.
aaahhhh... a white spring.
the path more traveled...
relationships of all kinds are hard.
there's a certain reality that hits you when you are struggling with an unknown.
you know, what you feel.
you don't ever truly know what the other person feels.
you can guess. you can listen to their words and chose whether or not to believe them.
you can analyze their actions and see if actions parallel / support words.
but in the end, you don't ever truly know beyond what they say and/or do. you must then have faith in the fact that their words are true and they are in touch with their feelings.
when you love someone, the feelings can be so strong that - when you argue, when you are frustrated, when you are unsure - you can be blinded by intense emotion. the blinders don't allow you to see beyond yourself in the moment because - you are upset, you are hurt, etc, etc (insert whatever emotion you are feeling at the time), and you just want them to see that and understand. but at the same time, you are blinded because you are protective of yourself. for love yields vulnerability. i think most know what it's like to have your heart broken. self-preservation is thus a natural reflex.
when you come down out of the haze, and are able to think straight - or atleast more rationally, you realize that the other party involved is also hurt. and if you really did love them, you would do what needed to be done to alleviate / fix / mediate that - even if it means walking a way or taking a break.
the irony of this realization is that it's not necessarily what you need - or what you want - but it's what they need. the other irony of this realization is that - you don't know if the other person still loves you. harsh words exchanged, time spent apart, etc.
this is the part that hurts the most.
so, the only thing that you can do is wait - for them to come back on their own time. and hope that their feelings are in line with yours and that things can be worked out. and then be prepared for the possibility that they might not come back at all. because in the end, you don't really ever know what the other person is thinking, until you hear those words and absorb them with faith that they're true and pure.
i'm trying not to call, text or email. so far i haven't done such a great job. i don't know why such a basic limitation is so hard to follow.
i miss him - a lot.
family can be a stressful entity.
what would life be without them? they form who we are and provide (in theory) a backbone of support that might not otherwise be found in this overpopulated, anonymous world.
without them, we ourselves are in a sense anonymous.
sometimes atleast.
there are times when they bring so much job in the form of little cousins, learning to walk and talk, quirky relatives that evoke laughter, large family meals full of good food and conversation...
and then there are other times... when they make your head throb and your blood boil.
it's been one of those weeks.
in the end, things really don't change. well people don't change that is...
but still - family is family.
looking back on my life, post parental connection (and i'm talking about leaving the next not post umbilical cut people), i have lived in many different apartments and townhomes with many different roommates. beginning with my first dorm room and associated roommate (who was known to get really drunk and mistake my bed for a toilet - yes a totally different blog)... to my first room in an apartment. to my first apartment that i could afford to myself... to my first townhouse that almost felt like home... and now - my very own condo. i'm fairly certain that for a good 10 years, i never lived in the same place for more than 9 or 10 months - maybe a year. and i often moved multiple times in one year.
to make a verbose blog short - my current residence, is the first home that i've lived in for any length of time, and with it has come some experiences that one might never have if they live life in a perpetual state of moving. for one, i have realized there are cobwebs on the ceiling. and the moldings are starting to collect a fine, black pile of dust and dirt. i've never thought to clean these areas before but it's built up to the point that i think it's about time.
But more importantly, cleaning out the pantry - or the cabinets in my case - is some
thing that's been done by default, on an annual basis, for many years of my life.
Recently i decided to make a few things.
i had tortillas and a fine guest to share them with - so we thought perhaps some of the tortilla kits that were in the cabinets might be a good option.I knew they were old, but didn't realize that they were actually from 2005. Oops. given their 3 years post expiration date, i decided to recycle.
so, the other night i was baking a cake. not just any cake either - tres leches. a creamy mixture of vanilla cake, cream sauce and a whipped sweet topping. the recipe called for sweetened condensed milk. i had many cans in my cabinets as i had bought some - on sale - a while back for fudge that was never made. i pulled out the cans and noticed an expiration date.
june 2004. hmmm - that's too old so i tried another
jan 2005.... ehhhh...
in fact each can was atleast 3 years old - if not older. now you might think - oh it's canned - it's probably still good. what the heck, let's give it a taste.
i opened the can revealing a bright orange, jiggly-furthest-thing-you-can-imagine-away-from -milk-like substance. it's color was similar to the image to the right. hmmm.
i hadn't used canned milk in quite sometime so i wasn't sure how it should look. i turned the can upside down to pour some out.
nothing came out.
it was a perfect mold. i took some out using a spoon and it even kept it's shape.
so next comes the taste test...
i took a little on my finger and tasted. it was sweet. and a bit grainy. but still sweet.
maybe it would be ok in my cake.
using my better judgement, i opted to make a quick run to the store.
afterall i didn't want my tres leches cake to be orange!
the cake turned out OK in the end. but i guess it's time to clean out the cabinets!
weeks like these make me contemplate life...
the circle that seems to represent life is confusing ...
unexpectedly early, in comes the new - in the form of a beautiful little girl.
unexpectedly, they leave us, before 'their time'.
unexpectedly, they get hurt doing what they love to do. (sending thoughts to the psu racer who wrecked today, landing in the ICU).
being one to constantly worry about the people around me, i often wonder how i'll get through this life with sane perspective knowing those around me are also a part of this circle.
their interests, hobbies, 'fate' and life goals could lead them down similar paths. or not. their fates unknown.
as is mine.
don't age.
don't deteriorate.
don't get sick.
don't wreck.
all i really want is for them to be happy - and healthy. and there.
i can't imagine life otherwise.
.jpg)
