wrecked

sometimes i feel like individuals in a relationship are like bullet trains heading towards each other. they either figure out how to slow down and connect moving forward in the same direction, or they collide head on yielding carnage on both sides sometimes in disequal proportions.

relationships can be all consuming. the mind consumed by trying to figure out what the other wants, needs and thinks. the heart consumed by intense emotions, which can sometimes manifest in the most irrational ways.

i can't help but want to take care of those i love. does that particular desire to be there and help becomes selfish at some point? do i need that to feel fulfilled? is that why i hold on when i shouldn't?

if i were to boil the past year down into one simple truth: being sad is exhausting. learning how to not love someone is incredibly hard. my heart opened wide. i met someone who i wanted to take care of and make happy. who i would do anything for. i saw something in another that couldn't be tainted by any later-on occurring hardships. it's something inside that only certain people have; it doesn't go away so i know it's still there. This makes it hard to let go. Yet, I need to let go. For him as much as myself.

more importantly, good friends are key to get through those hardest times when you're at your lowest. this past week, skippy, dragana and leroy showed me how friends can truly care about making each other happy. Leroy is only in town for a short while so the crew being back together again is a rare occasion. they are amazing, positive people and i'm lucky to have them in my life. Why can't that be enough for the time being?

i guess i just want more. i don't know when or if i'll find it though. It just seems like when i try, i'm left on the side of the tracks wrecked, in pieces. And then comes the arduous process of rebuilding and picking up speed once again...