snapped

and it came... the break down.

late last night i was studying and... in came

duh duh duh....the practice exam. complements of the "upper classmen"- aka those who have already passed this damn test that is now only 2 weeks away.

i took a quick look. question 1... ok... question 2... ok.
then i got to a group of 3 questions created by a woman whome i studied with 2 years ago as practice to initiate myself into a foreign field.

OH CRAP.

my fear was realized. topics that i didn't know.. scientists i did know - topics i didn't. the paradox of what? the cycle of what? huh? oh geez. i know parts of the questions, but not the specific topic in its entirety.

the heart began to race and i closed the email.
back to the books i went... i think somewhere around 2 or so (AM) i realized i should go to sleep as my eyes were glazing over and my brain feeling saturated. tomorrow was another day.

today was my day off to focus on school. i set my alarm and woke up this am motivated to read read read.

crap.

while the extreme panic has subsided somewhat i'm still wondering why i'm doing this. and why i'm also making such a big deal out of a test that i may or may not pass. why i'm letting my insecurities surrounding my base in science as a discipline and surrounding my own intelligence and ability to surmount obstacles, get in the way.

after all it's just a test.