mistake

why is it that you never realize that something is a mistake until it's over and thus too late?

when removed from a long-term relationship, life changes.

quickly.

first, there is relief - to a degree. if things were bad and you were hurting each other, there can be a sense of liberation that comes from not having to fight it out, one more day. then comes, serious withdrawal - this is where you have to relearn how to do everything that you used to share with someone else - even if just verbally - alone.

How to experience and deal with a bad day - on your own.
How to celebrate and be excited about something really cool - on your own.
How to cook dinner for 1.
How to come home to an empty house.
How to wake up, and go to bed alone - day in and day out.

the withdrawal can be rough - but i think rougher yet is dealing with moving on and attempting to "get out there again" and test out other people.

why? because for one, you're just getting acclimated to doing it all solo... and fresh in your mind is how hard this transition was. and two, you don't want to experience the pain that you endured - ever.

but back to the mistake... sometimes you try something out that you're not sure about, but you figure that it could be right. and shit hits the fan.

breaking up with someone can be hard. you don't want to hurt their feelings. and normally you hope that you can still really be friends. atleast i hope that. but sometimes breaking up can be blown out of proportion - with the other person reacting in a way that makes you wonder
if

a. they are truly crazy
b. perhaps you really hurt them and they are lashing out releasing craziness
c. maybe you screwed up

i keep going through a conversation that i had with someone months ago... where i simply stated "can we just be friends? i can't really be in a relationship right now." seemed like a simple, clean and straight forward way to end things.

this conversation lasted well over an hour and at the end, i thought things were OK.

out of the blue, weeks and weeks AND WEEKS later, comes the ranting email - apparently i was going back and changing old blogs to "target" and "make said friend feel guilty".

i was blown away as
1. i never changed an old blog - why bother? lame.
2. i couldn't understand how he thought i was writing about him when in my mind what i was writing was in no way related to him.

i came to a realization - apparently he truly believed that everything that i wrote was about him. that he was the only relationship that i had ever had. when to me, the relationship was so short and devoid of true, strong connection, that it hardly compared to others that i had experienced through the course of my life. and to me, when he discussed the idea of being a girlfriend - i made it clear that i wasn't there or ready for that. it wasn't at that level.

accusatory emails can be hurtful. especially when you tell the accuser that you didn't "mean that" and "didn't do that" and they tell you you're wrong! And then comes the gossip...

where they tell their friends what a terrible person you are.

apparently in this case, an HOUR+ long phone conversation that, only occurred because they were supposed to see each other that day and illness prevented the meeting, turned into them being "DUMPED over email".

i keep wracking my brain - trying to figure out where all of this is coming from as in my world - which i'd like to consider reality, is fiction.

the most upsetting and disturbing part of this scenario is knowing that there are a contingent of people in this town where i live, who are close to said accuser, that believe his stories. and thus think of me in bad light.

i had a long talk tonight with one of my true close friends that somewhat calmed me down. i know i shouldn't worry so much about what other people think. and i know that this is especially true of younger people who perhaps lack life's experiences as i've had. but still i don't like to think that opinions are being formed based on false information.

and i'm still trying to figure out where i went wrong - to make him so angry. and what i could have done different to prevent this situation from occurring in the first place.

who knows i guess. all i know is that it's upsetting. and it's all false blown out of proportion & made up drama. and i have to suck it up and focus on what and who is real around me - wearing blinders to all of the other crap. and i guess in the end you need to experience and deal with these mistakes; in this case the mistake was ever initiating anything with this person. and learn to pick more carefully.

ok i think i'm done venting for tonight. people are frustrating.