happy anniversary

A year ago today, the day after the 101, life was uprooted:

I don't (didn't) love you. I love(d) the way you make me feel.

Ouch. I had completely let go only to fall off an off camber and precariously balanced stone. The impact was rough. My face planted in a bed of rocks, arms and legs broken and bruised trying to thwart the impact. Something planted deep in my stomach; i'm not sure what it was but I felt it in the back of my throat with each swallow.

The months following were vicious. I'd avoid the mirror as all I could see were gaping yet thin scabs which at any moment could wear off reopening deep, seemingly fresh wounds. I kept to myself not wanting anyone to see. This sad person wasn't me; I didn't like what I saw. How could I expect anyone else to?

I started riding my soma a few weeks later. I'd retreat to the forest for hours, alone, finding solace and calm via rolling forest roads. As I road I increased physical strength. I only hoped emotional would follow. I signed up for my first ever race - Iron Cross - a 62 mile mostly off road cyclocross race. Confidence was low, finishing this race was something.

While finishing Iron Cross was monumental, it wasn't enough. Months following were equally hard and tear-filled. I continued riding slowly emerging from a solitary shell, rediscovering a semi-social world. I made new friends - women equally excited about bikes and sensitive to similar struggles.

I road all winter through rain, sleet, snow, gnarly wind and single digit temperatures. Psyche was still drained, yet I continued to gain strength still hoping physical and mental would re-align bringing balance.

This spring, I received a facebook message inviting me on a long mountain bike ride in the forest. I was not a mountain biker and couldn't conceive riding my bike out there with a group. I declined. Soon thereafter at Zenos I met up with a group and the discussion turned to bikes. I was convinced (by Killer) that both the double century (200 miles, one day) and the wilderness 101 (100 miles mountain bike race) were in my reach. I am not sure whether it was the beer or the company; that night, sights were set high.

I started packing in miles - many with my new good friend killer. Many with the saturday AM group. Many, many alone. I traded in my baby blue 26" rockhopper for badass Reynolds Niner. I started riding trails. Lots of trails. And rocks. And doing big climbs. Over and over. I fell - a lot. It hurt, a lot. I have a scar on my face to prove it. Then I got up and kept going. After all, getting back up and moving forward is all that really matters.

I finished the double century! Dang. I didn't think I could. Check number one for the summer. And now, the 101 awaits. In just 5 days - Saturday at 7AM - we roll out.

It will hurt. I can finish. I will finish.
My life is certainly more than bikes. A fulltime job and phd on the side keep me busy. Bikes are meaningful as they've made me strong. They've healed. They've brought confidence and a sense of achievement.

And now here I am, a year later, not only healed but improved. Solid. I'm smiling again. Finally. A lot.

The last year and a half has been hard. Draining. Downer. I'm stoked to ride across the finish line next week at coburn - no matter how long it takes. Past is in the past. Finish line is all about present and future.

It is MY anniversary. A year following my lowest low; i'm now standing tall, independent and strong. Most importantly happy and fulfilled by all of the people in my life that probably would not be here had this past year not happened.

I'm not generally one to lean but sometimes it happens. Thank you to each and every one of you who were there; i'm lucky to have people like you in my life. G (all the talks!) & E, CJ aka Cyclocross Jess (taking me in to your home during the lowest low and listening), WV, Rach & DC (long rides and good talks / times, WV for checkin in during 'off the radar times'), Todd, Cowboy, JG (constant encouragement, believing in me + so much laughter and incredible positive attitude!!), CK (online chats and advice), Byron (checkin in at just the right times encouraging me to quit dwellin), Dragana (listening, and relating and then listening more and more and more. and more.), Killer (for being a kickass training partner, showing me forest trails, teaching rock skills and kicking my ass into 101 shape, ridiculous good times, good tunes, and just a few mechanicals along the way ;) ). And there are more... to everyone else who's been encouraging and positive along the way - you're awesome!

You ALL are amazing friends. Thank you. Happy Anniversary to ME!