a little help... or not. BEWARE OF LONG POST

today, i had a uniquely frustrating experience with the lovely overseas employees also known as adobe tech support.

it is common knowledge that large companies, such as adobe, out source their tech support overseas, presumably to save pennies. the direct by product of this effort is a remarkable increase in customer aggravation. but they aggravate with a smile.

Here is how it works. When you make a call to tech support, you dial a 1-800 number and are transfered to a computer-automated system that asks you to select from a series of vague numeric menus.

press 1 for..
press 2 if youre...
press 3 ...

it used to be that you could bypass this nonsense by "staying on the line" for an operator to assist you. however in the digital age, this no longer exists.

so if you are lucky enough to remember options 1-9, you select one. if you are unlucky to get to listen to them all over again. which is loads of fun.

back to the case in point, this automated system is supposed to direct you to the support group that can best resolve your issues.

we have been having issues with coldfusion. for those of you who are not part of the macromedia and adobe cults, adobe, long ago, bought out macromedia making itself the digital graphics, multi-media & web giant. so, to get tech support for macromedia products, you need to go through Adobe.

I called today because i attempted to register coldfusion mx (and old version) online to initial a web tech support case. apparently there is no direct support line to call for coldfusion (or so says the web). after i was routed by the automated system, i was greeted by a friendly operator with a heavy accent, reminiscent of past grad student friends from india. i explained my issue as thus:

i'm having browser specific issues with a web application. we think that there might be a conflict between this old version of coldfusion and the new version of IE. i'd like to talk to tech support about upgrading to understand if this might resolve our issues.

to me this was a simple enough statement to which the response was:

"ok, let me tranfer you to the .... department for assistance. here is the number just in case you lose this connection. can i help you with anything else today?"

onward i went. after 10 minutes worth of elevator music, another operator picked up.

they asked me my name, and what product i was having problems with. they assured me that if they could not immediately help me they would transfer me to someone who could.

"can i please have your customer id?"
"i don't have a customer id" i responded.

"ok, please tell me your problem"

i explained the problem - again - and i got the same response
"we can't help you with this problem here, let me transfer you to tech support to help you with this problem.

me: "ok"
operator: "is there anything else i can help you with today?"
me "no thanks"

more elevator music ensued

another operator picked up after a while and proceeded with the same line of questions... i'll do my best to help you... bla bla bla... and i'll transfer you if i can't help you... bla bla bla. .. and oh yea:

"customer id please"
"i don't have a customer id!"

"product please"
"cold fusion"
"i can't help you but i'll transfer you to tech support.

but wait - i thought you were tech support?
guess not... and onward i went

more elevator music and tech support answered the line - they were choppy and between the bad connection and the thick accent i could barely understand their words. apparently they speaker phone was bad because eventually the gentleman picked up the receiver and became clear.

"can i have your customer id"
"i don't have a customer id"

"well, we can't help you, i'll transfer you to customer service for assistance."
"i've already spoken to customer service and 4 other people"
"maam - i can't help you without a customer id"

i realized that this was one battle i wasn't going to win so back to customer service i went.

more elevator music (catching a pattern yet?)

back to customer service i am greeted by:

"can i please have your customer id"
at this point i decided to change my tactic.
"i would like for YOU to give me a customer ID because i don't have one."

for the love of sweet goodness people, give me a friggin break and help a sister out!

i think the customer service dude was tickled by this. he chuckled.
"ok maam i can help you with that!"
"oh, and you're the fifth or 6th person i've spoken to over the past 45 minutes"

he did his best. he put me in the system, got my name, address, etc and gave me my very own customer ID.

YES!

AND he assured me that he would do EVERYTHING he could to HELP ME OR he would transfer me to someone who could help. now, we're making forward progress right?

the fun had only begun.

great.

after all of my information had been entered into the computer, out came my VERY OWN CUSTOMER ID NUMBER.

oh yes. i know you're jealous.

i was sure i was ready to resolve my issue!

"ok maam i'm going to transfer you directly to dave in technical support - he can help you with your issue with coldfusion"

DOUBLE YES! not only was i going to be transferred to tech support, but the said technician had a NAME.

after another brief elevator music interlude, dave - who apparently also goes by ronnie picked up the phone. do people of international descent typically have names like dave or ronnie i wondered?

"can i have your customer id please".

I GAVE HIM THE DAMN ID.

"ok, can i have your name"

Two for two - this is going well

"can i please have your serial number"

i gave him the serial number - not one, not two, not three, but FOUR TIMES. adobe needs to replace all of the headsets / speakerphones that they provide their employees with because they sure do not work.

"yes, D as in DOG, C as in CAT"
"NO, not T as in Trolley, C as in Cat"

after all of this..

"i'm sorry but your serial number is invalid"

um, we bought the software, i know, for a fact, that it is not invalid. it may be OLD but certainly not invalid.

back to customer service i went.

to make a really really LONG story short, i was transferred to 3 more "customer service people" ALL of whom asked for my customer id number and asked me to describe my issue. They also all told me my serial was invalid or i was talking to the wrong department, OR i had a site license not a single seat or... who knows.

it was great.

an hour plus and 10 support "gurus" later, i was back at square one. I explained my predicament to the last gentleman who was "going to do whatever he could to help me or transfer me to someone who could help me".

he told me he could just start a case number for my issue and pass it on to the tech support people even though my serial number was no where to be found in their system.

thank friggin goodness!!! it's about damn time!!!

an hour and a half later, i was being transferred to someone in tech support - armed with a customer ID, a CASE NUMBER, AND my 2 line problem - should we PAY YOUR COMPANY to upgrade our software.

and here is what i get
"where sorry, the number that you have dialed can not be connected - please try again later...."

CLICK.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE FRIGGIN' KIDDIN' ME MAN.

at this point in the day, i needed to step away from my desk and my job and walk outside.

and yes, ladies and gentleman i never did get to talk to an actual tech support person about my problem!!!

if you were patient enough to read through this please know that i understand that people of all nationalities are equally deserving of jobs if their skill sets make them deserving. However, between the lack of knowledge of the products, the accents which made communication a challenge, the TERRIBLE headsets that kept breaking up the line, and the general lack of organization, i became increasingly FRUSTRATED and DOUBTFUL of the efficiency of this tech support hotline network.

beware. Beware of those seemingly innocent 1-800 tech support hotlines. If you feel like you are getting no where with them, chances are your luck will not improve.

HANG UP and save yourself the time!!! if you want to try your patience, and kill 2 hours of your day, give the wonderful guys at adobe customer support a call.

and oh yea - ask for dave.