free

It sometimes feels like life is lead by a particular type of prescribed direction. Not fate per se, but moreover signs and experiences that lead us to make particular decisions and thus take our lives down particular paths. Some experiences are in part impacted by past experiences - negative and positive. Others, new and fresh.

Yesterday was marked by a bit of frustration - wanting in the worst way to get my degree and have the freedom to explore the world; realizing it may take a bit of time. Today I awoke to a glimpse of something so free and strong perched in a tree in my backyard. It took off to hunt and returned to flaunt its success. Survival is her goal this time of the year. It was this reminder of the larger world that humbles my little bubble. This world so different from my home that I am so drawn to - wanting to explore. Meet others, different and learn as I go.

This desire triggered, largely by one stranger who lives his life outside of the box. I may never see him again yet our time sparked change that I will carry with me always.

And now as I contemplate the world, and the possibility of sharing it with someone - anyone really - i realize that other experiences, perhaps more negative have tainted my ability to trust. in particular moments I catch my otherwise carefree self, tense. On one hand, i'm thankful as these negative experiences forced me to know myself in a way I wouldn't have explored otherwise. And inspired free-willed independence which in turn inspired the drive to explore. On the other hand, in other moments I still need to remind myself to breath deep.

my path twists and turns and with each bend i gain increased self understanding. my heart seeks adventure and intense experience that puts life into context. my heart also wants to trust. perhaps with time i'll find that freedom.