time and healing

post-relationship healing is a funny animal.
gaining certainties from the other party allows the healing process to begin. if the certainty is inability to commit, then you know that nothing you do can possibly change things - regardless of how much love is involved in either direction. the mind is a powerful control. only time will allow thoughts to sort and things to take their course. together can't be forced. while you can accept and move on, there is a tiny voice of hope in your minds eye that sees potential for a future - down the road. but... there is potential disappointment associated with those thoughts and so you try to be deaf to unspoken words.

you know healing has begun when your insides are weighted... your heart sinks deep into your chest and you can feel each and ever breath - 100% aware of everything that your body is doing to keep you afloat at that particular moment. your stomach too is similarly weighted; as hungry as your mind says you are, it refuses to accept nourishment beyond basic minimal subsistence.

while this may not seem to be healing - or healthy for that matter - it is because it's beyond the stage of unbearable tears and thoughts... not knowing... wondering and wishing... trying to figure out how to pass each and every moment of time. it's the stage where you finally acknowledge, accept and know that the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and try to regroup and rebuild. deeply saddened by reality, but you accept and understand what's best.

the recent past seems like a foggy haze. did it really happen? was i really there? was yesterday really our last time together? the future is so open and unknown... do i stay? leave? move on not only emotionally but physically relocating as well?

fighting the desire to make rash decisions... only time will tell.