life of chocolate

the things that happen in winter

winter in state college - 2010:

We've had just a bit of snow. Chaya is "so over it".

some are more appreciative than others....

and chaya says "you want me to go potty where??"

And while it's winter outside, it's spring in my dining room.

They only bloom once a year following a dry dark hibernation that mimics their natural tropical environment. after years of cultivation, i enjoy multiple stalks and blossoms on each stalk. lovely.

What do cyclists do when snow comes?? They ski ofcourse! (Top of Bear Meadows Rd.)

Crystal Lake!! i only fell a few hundred times. ok just on every descent. so worth it! (i stole this pict from eric - thanks!!)

Moss-Hanne trail.

Canadians make funny faces when they see cameras.

skiing is rough on the toes. thank goodness a little duck tape goes such a long way.

crazy adventures around the ridge and the fenceline! deep deep powdery snow drifts.

more to come. for now, back to work i go...

aliens

This is pretty intense. Watch what this fungus does to this ant!! (starts to get good around 1:20 or so).

free

It sometimes feels like life is lead by a particular type of prescribed direction. Not fate per se, but moreover signs and experiences that lead us to make particular decisions and thus take our lives down particular paths. Some experiences are in part impacted by past experiences - negative and positive. Others, new and fresh.

Yesterday was marked by a bit of frustration - wanting in the worst way to get my degree and have the freedom to explore the world; realizing it may take a bit of time. Today I awoke to a glimpse of something so free and strong perched in a tree in my backyard. It took off to hunt and returned to flaunt its success. Survival is her goal this time of the year. It was this reminder of the larger world that humbles my little bubble. This world so different from my home that I am so drawn to - wanting to explore. Meet others, different and learn as I go.

This desire triggered, largely by one stranger who lives his life outside of the box. I may never see him again yet our time sparked change that I will carry with me always.

And now as I contemplate the world, and the possibility of sharing it with someone - anyone really - i realize that other experiences, perhaps more negative have tainted my ability to trust. in particular moments I catch my otherwise carefree self, tense. On one hand, i'm thankful as these negative experiences forced me to know myself in a way I wouldn't have explored otherwise. And inspired free-willed independence which in turn inspired the drive to explore. On the other hand, in other moments I still need to remind myself to breath deep.

my path twists and turns and with each bend i gain increased self understanding. my heart seeks adventure and intense experience that puts life into context. my heart also wants to trust. perhaps with time i'll find that freedom.

freeze-thaw

The forest is no longer a snowy wonderland. The trails are largely clear and muddy in many places. The roads remain icy but largely, the forest has transformed once again to a bare, brown wintery landscape. Even though it's a ways away, I can taste spring. Lovely.

cause-effect

There is a ironic yet sad cycle that is evident in our society. It proceeds as follows

1. we, humans, do something that is seemingly harmless or "in the name of a better good"
2. said action triggers an (obviously unanticipated) chain reaction of events that are largely detrimental to the environment around us
3. this sequence comes round about - eventually resulting in some other consequence that is grand in scale enough to impacts us once again and demand "action".
-- back to #1, so the cycle continues.

This week, the USDA announced plans to "terminate" 15,000-20,000 birds in the name of safe aviation. The culprit birds, European Starlings, are non-native and invasive species that were introduced, by us, into this country in the 19th century. They are aggressive, noisy and fly dynamically in large flocks with seemingly choreographed precission which can be nothing short of spectacular.

However, they have become a nuisance. Now 20,000 must die. A slow death via poison. Certainly I understand the potential danger a flock of birds of this size, whose population continues to exponentially grow, can present to aircraft and thus human lives. But the irony surrounding our introduction of this species without realizing the consequences and subsequent poisoning of said species, also without really knowing all of the consequences seems absurd. And sad. really, really sad.

contradictions

it's hard to not question motives. motives of everyone. words spoken are heard but are they really felt? and moreover what are the true intentions? it's easy to believe in a way of life that seems best yet live and follow a life path that's distinctly different from those beliefs.

given a world of contradictions, which path is most true? and furthermore how can one tell truth from a purely aesthetic-based presentation of a perceived self that in reality doesn't exist?

i contemplate the collision between what brings with it comfort, security and happiness and what path is best - the path most sensitive to the non-human environment. i have a home filled with things, a car that i like to drive yet avoid knowing it's greater scale impact. the footprint of my home is more suited for a family yet i live there. i avoid eating meat for environmental and ethical reasons yet I am still trying to fight using products that are most certainly tested on animals or environmentally harsh. i understand the impacts of climate change yet i still purchase bananas and other non-locally produced foods at the store. is it possible to live a life, in this society, and in this day and age that does not involve contradiction?

in truth my happiest moments have been consistently the most simple. they have involved few of the things described above that bring with them security and comfort. and in fact, some of the most memorable times have been those most uncomfortable that force an overwhelming awareness of a world and environment that's complexity is beyond the full grasp of even the greatest human minds.

given the contradictions that i constantly try to iron out in my own life, i wonder what others think and what to do with their words. how does one trust and love and be comfortable when surrounded by contradiction?

it is in these moments that i miss soulful friends - ones with open hearts and minds, a sense of self-awareness and true compassion for all that is life who are seemingly scattered around the country. simultaneously and perhaps more powerfully, i miss the simplicity and freedom of a much simpler life - time spent in the woods, on my bike, on foot - time spent alone following an adventourous path that is largely unknown, unplanned and uncontained in any way.

at times, its overwhelming. who's happiness and best interest is most important?
at other times however, it's all too clear.

COLLAPSE

If you know me then you know that music, in part, fuels my existence. All kinds too. My roots are classical however I grew up listening to dc underground hard core and metal... soon discovering hip hop, electronic, R&B, gogo, reggae, alternative.....My good friend and summer cycling training partner in crime is in a band called Collapse. It's a metal / rock band that is lyrical, theatrical and brings with it a heavy hard to the bone rhythm. They rock it.

The venue: inside marked with crazy lighting, lots of background noise and movement. What better place to play with the camera?? Good times -- unfortunately i forgot to capture the crowd... but the coolest mountain bikers were there. You'll just have to take my word for it... anyway see below: