candidate

i woke up this am around 4:30, heart racing - heart pounding. today was the day. in exactly 4.5 hours i would be in the interrogation room. the committee 4 deep.

i imagined them in their 4 chairs all in a row. stairing at me. asking question after question.
how would i respond? would i freeze? would i screw up?
even worse - maybe what i thought i knew - was wrong.

after about an hour of tossing and turning i managed to sleep a little more. i knew rest was key the night before a big exam.

after the normal routine, i made my way into the lab. i figured being on campus early would soothe my nerves a bit.

at 20 of 9 i put in my headphones, cranked up some chill sean kingston and made my way over to my interrogation.

the room was on the second floor - a typical conference room. they all sat across from me and before i knew it the questioning began. it started with my research and background. then they have me draw various population growth curves and write out equations. i had done this a thousand times over in my head but had never factored in the intense nerve-induced shaking in my hands. talk about squiggly lines. i spelled out the equation as i wrote knowing my handwriting was close to illegible at that pount. they seemed satisfied and proceeded onto questions of growth models, island biogeography, competition, spatial data analysis / metrics, scale and project design issues.

most of the discussion surrounded my research and how various ecological principles and concepts would apply. there were a few questions i didn't know. there were some that were damn hard. and there were some that i was able to answer with much thought. before i knew it, i was asked to leave the room.

was that it?

that was it. shit. i hope i didn't really screw up. did i screw up?

i sat outside for what felt like hours - in reality was mere minutes. i reassured lawrence who was after me that he would be fine - told him to relax. and was soon called back into the room. i was sweating. shaking.

damn. this is it.

kat held the door for me and no sooner was i on the other side did she put her hand out and congratulate me.

HOLY SHIT I PASSED THIS THING. i'm on my way to get my phd in science.

partial disbelief and partial relief were mixed in with a plethora of other emotions.

they gave me a few course recommendations that would relate to my research area - namely stats which i had told them i wanted more of and conservation bio which i've always wanted to take. they commended me on my effort and off i went.

i couldn't believe it.

over. months of work and it's all behind me now.

i always knew that the phd process was intense - but never realized the intensity extent. and knowing that the candidacy is the big deal in ecology is comforting. now i know i can do this. i'm on my way to be a teacher. before i know it, it could just become a reality.

damn.