perspective and reason

the past few weeks - have been challenging to work through. between family and relationship - it has felt like things are crumbling down around me - slowly.

yet, i have lost track of some really amazing things that are happening. and things that are there for me to look forward to.

for one, my research is partially funded. the tract forward - for my dissertation - is now supported by my boss and adviser which means i can work on it - in part - during the daytime as a part of my job.

just the other day the possibility of another 3d vis project came my way. for those of you who know me, you know this is - my passion without a doubt. this project is by no means set as of yet - but it's a possibility.

i'm working on a project which may become curriculum that is approved to use in highschools in pa - kinda cool.

went on a nice - slow due to my wasted legs - cross ride with lunatic, last night. it was nice to get back into our weekly riding routine - there are certain friends that you spend time with in particular ways and we've always caught up on the bike... much needed. and so much more fulfilling to be in the woods on a bike - than in a bar drinking!

later, i tried to go out with some girl friends for a girls night out to dance and blow off a little steam. the problem being the venue was one i had shared with *him*. and the entire night i found myself zoning out, staring at the door wishing he'd walk in and ask me to dance. he's the most amazing dancer - and its so much fun. i'm a cheesy romantic at times- yes. .. i wanted us to laugh again. and remember how much fun we could have - together. as the night progressed i realized this wasn't going to happen. i knew it wouldn't happen but... they just were memories that i couldn't erase.

at the end of the night, as i road home past his house (unavoidable as it's enroute) i realized that - i need to get my head together so i can live my life without continually dwelling. because i can't control the future. and i need to let time in this case sort things out. i need to give him space to breath and think. i need to recognize that everything can't be planned - and that compromise can be worked out - and that change happens.

weighted conversations about future were taken too far too early in the relationship. when the present - is here for us to enjoy now. and in truth our future aspirations are not too far apart - that it couldn't realistically be worked out. i think that we want similar things. and our time together could be managed in a way that alleviated stress and pressure and allowed other tracts of life to continue and be fulfilled.

but alas, we're still here - apart... and damage has been done on both sides. and its sad. the thought of not getting through this - is sad. i'm trying to not think until i know. it's hard.

and so it's another day and another night... without him - without communication... living with the unknown... and trying to deal. just another night.