studd-finder

my studd-finder is broken. i take it with me everywhere -- yet it never goes off. it is a custom, programmed studd-finder, suited to meet *all* of my needs. although perhaps i require assistance from my programmer friends b and eric down in the burg... to tweak the tolerance a bit. i think right now it's running at maximum security and might need to be toned down to medium. the studd finder is a unique electronic device. its one-of-a-kind custom-programming recognizes both physical AND mental "studdliness" on various levels; it is supposed to alert its holder when a studd, of any level is near. there are various levels of studdliness (yes, that is a word)... all rated on a (some what) (curvi)linear, relative scale.

Some studly categories include (but are NOT limited to):

• mental capacity (not correlated to head circumference as determined in my stat 500 class last fall),


• willingness to deal with over-exhuberant, slobering canine,


• ability to ride bikes (fast -- negotiable, able to ride - non),


• existance of girlfriend / significant other (non negotiable),


• reading comprehension (2 part test),


• willingness to explore the forest 'a pie' (negotiable),


• english coherency (negotiable),


• nice forearms (random -- not really - you can tell a lot about someone by their forearms, i kid you not.) ...


• nipples (gotta have em, non negotiable)and so on....

you get the drift...now, in theory, the stud finder should present its owner with a one-to-many relationship. oneSingle30yearOldGirl--ManyManyStuds. i've queried and queried ... and this relationship simply does not exist. it most certainly is broken.

Are said studs all in hibernation? if so, when will dig their way out of their cold, lonely holes and materialize in this tiny little town? Or perhaps they've all fled to the 'dark side'...regardless, if someone can help me fix / adjust my studd-finder, i'd greatly appreciate it. it's no fun walking around with a broken one, and a girl has gotta have *some* fun!