life of chocolate

hearts and an incomplete thought

Interactions are complex. For most, a perpetual struggle exists due to an inherent and genetically driven desire to form close bonds with others. Striving to be a part of a community yet simultaneously aware of potential vulnerability and thus maintaining a sometimes reflective and sometimes heavily armored shield. Unique and strong sense of individual self - both building confidence that can to some be translated in terms of excessive ego and arrogance. Conversely your marked as shy, withdrawn, socially inept...

At this dilemma's heart lies a simple truth: intentionally or not, people hurt each other.
Some hurt breaks the bond between two people, others heal and scab over allowing bonds to grow thick.

The question becomes which relationships - be they friends, family or significant others - are worth the inevitable risk and if worth can be quantified, really who is really able to assess except in retrospect? So we cautiously move forward, letting new people into our lives, all the while holding on to those meaningful from the past. Some temporarily filling various voids - others more permanent on a varying scale.

Sometimes I sit back and reflect upon those who were once, continue to be and are new in my life. Throughout each stage of my life i've held on to a few close and dear friends - all unique and completely different in manner, interests and intellect. As friends around struggle with relationships and life's issues I wonder what really is "meant to be" and if meant to be exists, why does it sometimes involve such extreme pain? And blinded by the pain how can I help them (and myself) find and more importantly feel the good. It's inevitably always there... thoughts to be continued... but until then --

some good: some picts from the garden...

This one's for Justin :)

Left: Clematis; Right: Summer blooming bleeding hearts

Left: Wild geranium; Right: Columbine

Left: Bearded Iris; Right: Bush peony

Left: Crow with nesting material!; Right: Fresh blooming chives.

slacker

I've been slacking in the blogging department. No pictures, limited posts... but all for good reason. It's been a hectic few weeks.

School Dayz

School is over. 2 classes + full time work really kicked my @ss this semester. 2 finals was icing on the really thick, heavy and somewhat lopsided cake... but it was all good. I've learned my bird shit inside and out!

Wedding Bellz

Last week was -- THE WEDDING!! it was the greatest time - although being maid of honor does bring with it a bit of blood, sweat and tears! tears at the alter (until the pastor begins rambling on about transparency, saying the same thing over and over again). Sweat in setting up, tearing down and making things proceed smoothly, full steam ahead. let me tell you, i can crack the whip when things need to get done and I see no forward moving progress... ha! Blood -- well no blood was spilled but we sure didn't sleep much there!

I must say there is nothing like standing next to two of the people who you care about most in this world, knowing how happy they make each other and seeing them joined in marriage. It was an honor to partake. And so much fun to get to spend time with them given their new home on the west coast - so far away from State College.

Bikez

Given all of the studying and travels, time on the bike has been scarce in the past week. But today I made up for it with a nice 70 miler out to alexandria and beyond with my friend mr buck(land). we started bright and early - with a bit of chill in the air but bright sun made for quickly warmed earth. the ride was lovely. my legs - currently spent. however i worry about being spent after 70 miles when i know i may consider 200+ miles in a day in just a month. perhaps it's not in the cards this year...

New Bikez?

And finally - i'm still no closer to a decision on my new rig - but i'm demoin a sweet fisher Ferrous (baby blue) tomorrow. it's a pretty frame but i worry the longer wheel base will be a bit clunky for my small frame to handle around turns and bends.

a good year into the process, i continue to worry about everything regarding this new bike. i just want to pick the bike that will give me the most confidence given my limited trail skills and unlimited fear of everything and anything. it's no wonder i hate shopping!

and so it goes.

Not Alone

The ride was solo yet I was certainly not alone.

The forest was magical. Migrants have returned, courting has begun. In chorus up each and every climb are mating songs of ovenbirds, warblers, vireos and Towhees.

The hermit thrushes mystical trill echoes on the ridges. Wood thrushes can't be far.

Raucous screams of nesting ravens echo amidst the canopy. Black and Turkey Vultures sore high, landing on the forest floor to feed.

The forest is magical and mystical. At each corner, bend, bridge, rock, something is revealed. More learned, more seen on each and every ride and hike.

I go to the forest to seek peace, comfort and answers. To sort out thoughts. To find answers. To find and remember myself.

I go to the forest to seek solace and solitude and return rejuvenated.
Always, yet never alone.

wake up

It's easy to lose track of priorities.

Deadlines build, assignments accumulate, relationships loom, exams, bills, and on and on until the world spins seemingly out of control. Family falls out of alignment. Friends in crisis. Sometimes it accumulates becoming overwhelming to the a point of restless sleep and belabored breath.

The body craves sleep day and night; the mind races - refusing to go out, say hello, be at peace for even a moment's time.

Ironically while craving sleep, what the mind and body really needs is to wake up. Go out, move on. Because at the end of the day / week / month the turmoil will pass or perhaps change. It's too easy to replace one stress with another.

At the end of the day what's truly important in life's game is uniquely individual and largely unrelated to many stresses. Looking inward and finding peace and satisfaction with a life that's relatively healthy. Better yet, projecting happiness outward and lifting the spirit of those around. Spending time in the remote outdoors and recognizing how intricate and beautiful the surrounding world is. At the end of the day, the things that are most important are those simplest. The stressful complexities - moments of passing time.

EOS

It's that time of the year - End Of the Semester. beginning of continued family chaos. tulips are blossoming, cardinals are claiming their turf, dogs are chasing squirrels up on rooftops. dogs are also eating pans of chocolate peanut butter bars and vomiting it up in my bedroom the following evening but that's another blog.

So much going on that i'm not even sure where to begin.

So perhaps i'll start at the end and continue forward.
A good friend has been teaching me how to mountain bike. It's more about building confidence for me and she's been encouraging. It's been pretty awesome until i went out on the trail after a long hot 95+miler on the road and introduced my knee to a lovely pile of ridge-top rocks.

crack!

my knee, which suffers from a minor meniscusal tear that will never heal) was less than thankful. while i've fallen a bunch and am no worse for the wear, this time, the onset of pain-induced nausea post-impact and the throbbing burn riding on suggested minor setbacks were to come.

something inside is bruised - perhaps a tendon - who knows. it hurts, i'm on the ice - the cold stuff (not the white stuff)... and it's slowly getting better. Needless to say, i've been on the riding d/l for the past 2 days and counting. May brave it in the woods for a short spin today. i've got that itch that only hard packed gravel can scratch. (hmmm that's a bit weird huh?). yea, whatever.

tomorrow is the final day of bird-shit classes for the semester. It's bittersweet as i've learned more (shit about birds) from these classes than most others i've taken - and loved every moment of it. They've also kicked my ass with hours of in class lab time and hours of out of class work / studying. 2 finals next week and i'm officially off the shit rehab style. sweet.

And then - the wedding!!! I'm off to ARK-KANSAS the following week to hang with e & g and provide pre-wedding moral support. oooh -- good times, and many, many margaritas are in store!

Finally - i think i'm hitting this show this summer... can you say NAS??? hell yea!

This summer will be devoted to three things:
1. research (no class) -- data processing and final proposal writing
2. work (Cali here i come!)
3. bikes (in the forest - NINER!!)

and ofcourse good friends make it all that much better....
the end.

trials skills

WV sent me this today. Talk about unbelievable handling and tricks.

stop!

Stopping can be a good thing. Knowing you have the ability to ease up is especially comforting when cruisin at 40MPH+ down a mountain on the road. So, given that the Serotta hasn't gotten much love in a while as i'm been somewhat cross-obsessed, I decided to rehaul all of the cable and housing.

The brakes were the biggest concern as they involved unwrapping my bars. Leroy had showed me how just a few years back. So I was partially confidence, but still a bit unsure. Turns out the bars were the least of my concerns.

I unwrapped the bars -- done no sweat.
However, when pulling out the cable, parts came flying out! Turns out there are a few little pieces in the shifter that keep the ball rolling. They were rolling - just all over my garage floor.

@#$@#$@#$

Chaya left the room given my outburst.

So, i put it back together as best as i could given one broken and one missing piece. This required some serious precision as it kept falling apart and each time it split, pieces fell down into the base of the shifter and the only way to retrieve them was to turn the bike upside down and shake it all out. Strangely enough, it worked without the plastic disc. But I knew that part must serve some purpose.

The next day i visited my friends at FreezeThaw. I knew that Justin or Sparky would have the part I needed. Those endless bins of bolts, screws, washers and more have never failed me in the past when i've needed something random.

And ofcourse, they came through. Sweet. Or so i thought. I was like a kid in a candy store, stoked about my little bag of shiny new washers and plastic disks. I went home, pulled out the cable, released the little metal cable holder and

tried to slip on a disk. only to discover the diameter of the disc was...

TOO SMALL

@#$@#$@#$@#$

Chaya left the room. Just my luck it wouldn't fit. I was frustrated and put it back together again. No sooner had i reinstalled the broken part, I had a glorious thought that involved POWER TOOLS.

YES! This project was becoming much more interesting.

So i busted out the Black and Decker and showed that plastic disc who's boss. (that would be me to clear up any confusion) I started with a small bit to open up the hole just enough to fit a larger bit in for smooth rounding.

Worked like a charm. Problem solved, cable holder (whatever it's called) returned into the shifter with ultra-precision, and the Serotta - as good as new.

Some new tunes that i've been down with lately:

Braintax -- listen or listen here (check out biro funk album)
Lootpack -- listen (not on last.fm in full :( -- entire album is awesome)
Eyedea and Abilities: Speed it up (check out the scratching).... then slow it down.

parts

Life can be viewed as a whole; sure, it's simpler that way. However in reality, it's just a bunch of parts in need continuous lube, scrub downs, pats, heart to hearts, fertilizers and sometimes, a good swift kick in the ass. Yea, maybe you can deal with the squeaking, the grinding, the stress and the incessant noise, but in the end taking care eases friction, and extends life's duration and subsequent success.
Single speed complete with rack AND fenders. My final project completed tonight. All it took were 2 extra long bolts.

And then comes the amaryllis - in full bloom. Many parts make up this horticultural puzzle. Blooms require a particular combination of summer fertilization and water, and cool, dark winter rest. Beautiful none-the-less.

Photosynthesis - a bare necessity.

While not immediately evident - this part is BROKEN. OK, so it functions but rattles incessantly if the roads are smooth. Anyone know how to tighten these??

Some part is missing here but i'm not sure what. Guess it's time for a new one.

These parts need some serious TLC.

These parts are perfect just the way they are.

This part is particularly smelly and does require the occasional kick in the ass. But really she's too damn cute to ever truly follow through.

it's NAP time (nas had it all wrong)

In the past week i've:

refinanced and closed on my house
taken 2 exams - one covering a cool 128 species (field id, song id, family, order, habitat, etc etc etc)
worked
missed yoga :(
helped write and submit a grant proposal in (in one day) with 28 minutes to spare
woken up at 6am twice - once on a saturday for a class trip
seen 4 bald eagles, countless kestrels, red-tailed hawks and turkey vultures, 2 black vultures and 4.33 wood ducks.
ridden over 200 miles with about 12,000 feet of climbing - 100 miles of which were on one day (YAY march century w/DC (and lobster gloves)!
rediscovered lootpack. nice.

To celebrate just today I forgot to FULLY lock the parking break when the subi was in neutral and i was checking the mailbox. I watched as it ROLLED BACKWARDS down the street. I ran down the street and jumped in Dukes of hazard style and yanked on the brake just in time. phew.

me to myself (and i): nice job, dumbass.

And so you see, it's decidedly and unequivocally nap time. Listen and enjoy a few of the birds I saw this weekend below:

Left: Buffleheads landing -- Right: a blurry GOOSE mtv cribs style - recycling at its finest.

More Canada Geese! We saw snow geese too.

mmmm. ATTN Dabbling Ducks: BEWARE OF EAGLES.

Speak of the devil - a juvenile who just got jumped. ok, so maybe he wasn't jumped. this is his 4th year molt before he looks like... Above right: ms eagle, chillin (well actually incubatin') on her nest. DID YOU KNOW: an eagle's nest can weight up to 1/2 a ton? They are known to take down full sized, large canopy trees with their weight.

a younger immature eagle. can you say BEAUTY?

Black-capped Chickadee. dee dee deee (the "dee's in they're song can indicate a predator is close)

Song Sparrow.

TUNDRA SWANS. check out Colyer lake if you ride by 'cause they're there sometimes too - en masse. Headin' north - to be gone within the next few weeks.

Brown-headed Cowbird. BAD Brood Parasite! Bad. but pretty none-the-less.

Blue bird.

in the moment

Emotions are omnipotent.

They can bring joy.
They can blind.
They can lead.
They can tear down.

Emotions can make life full.
Emotions can make life hollow, confusing and stale.

You can love and find yourself on top of the world.
You can slip off the top and feel destroyed, bleak, lifeless, alone.
You can lose unexpectedly and feel shock, reflections upon your own mortality.

Intense emotion takes courage. The fall can be long and hard; regret and anger a natural defense. Voids hard to fill.

After the days, weeks or months, the real question becomes is it worth the risk?
When the intensity fades, how does the mind absorb and can it clear the smoke? Can the wounds heal and will the voids fill and scabs smooth over with minimal scars?

Life experienced as a series of moments in time is safe. The moment passes. It's savored as good or bad, full of joy or tears. Remembered but let go. However, given the complexity of the human mind, life's events imprint and accumulate; the buildup can be uneven and cause imbalance, with complex blockages inevitable.

It seems the goal becomes keeping the pathway clear. Learning from the pain and holding on to the joy. Living in a moment that may consider the future, but doesn't depend upon it being set. And letting go of a past that, good or bad will always remain in place - not to be repeated - lessons learned.

Emotions are omnipotent. At times, life is overwhelming and tumultuous. Painful moments from the past collide with a clear but hazy momentary present and a foggy unknown future.

In retrospect every moment creates a fuller life; friends and family listen and mend, hearts heal, loved ones remembered. Ride the rollercoaster and get back on the tracks even when it seems hopelessly derailed realizing hopeless is a state of mind - not a reality.

Emotions fulfill.
Emotions make life beautifully complex, in the moment, appreciating the past for what it was. Letting go, lesson learned. Savoring a close to perfect present. Anticipating an unknown future.

They make life real.

Love On WHEELS & the Bike Sexual

A friend who recently moved to San Fran sent me this. (THANKS ANNA!!) She warned me to watch out for those Bike-Sexual boys - you know the ones who are turned on by bikes, and bikes only. Guess I should heed her advice, although I do have to admit I'm a sucker for a hot boy on a dope rig.... Admittedly, i'm also a sucker for a dope, (steel) rig. Hmmmm...
Apparently San Fran is where it's at if you're single, rolling on twin 700cc rims and hot. I'm not too sure about the all ages part but whatever right? Equal opportunity.
Last, but certainly not least, 10 points for anyone who can guess what the above image depicts.

HINT: The remnants of 2 tomatoes left out on my counter after dinner, smeared into my white carpet. someone... had a whole avocado in her mouth when I caught up with her. Note to self: A labrador is only silent when her mouth is full. I should know this by now.

I'll leave you with this... enjoy, my friends:

revisiting the old

Music tastes vary with mood and time. Some get old and wear like fads - the good ones never lose their kick. This album has to be one of the all time better ones. The beats are so hard I couldn't decide which track to post. Check it out.

time

Next weekend marks the changing of the clocks!!
Let me spell out what this means:

TIME TO PLAY (on bikes and foot) OUTSIDE (in the woods) AFTER WORK.

sweeeeeetttttttttt..............

now if only the fireroads would thaw.

seasons and context

My dear friend CJ and I have been discussing context lately. Mostly in the realm of relationships however i've been pondering this concept and have determined life, even beyond relationships, is all about context. I've been trying to expand my context so there's more to look forward to now and every day as opposed to hanging on to and worrying about an unknown future. I think it's working... read below for examples.

The seasons can be framed by many different contexts that can either lengthen or shorten depending upon perspective and geographic location. In PA, if your context involves (cyclocross) bikes and the desire to always have feeling in your hands and toes and carry on a conversation without slurring your speach - frozen fireroads and single digit windchill puts a serious damper on the months of December through march and makes winter a general downer (fingers crossed they thaw soon) as the roads are a slick sheet of treacherous ice.

If your context is framed by birds, and perhaps a thick layer of cocoa butter (or Vaseline if you want to go all greasy style) then late February and march mark the coming of spring as early migrants and raptors are beginning to return, owls and eagles are nesting and rearing young and the "locals" are beginning to sing their Cardinal and Titmouse songs of getting it on birdie style. yes, i just wrote that and I'm stickin to it...

Speaking of Vasoline - get your head outta the gutter smartass- if you're willing to suck up time on paved roads (which isn't bad just not as fun as gravel forested roads) i've discovered cocoa butter and a bit of Vaseline on the face make 20 to 30 degree road rides quite doable. I don't slur my speech so much after a few hours if at all. And who needs to really feel their feet anyway?? whatever.

This weekend my context was a group of badass ladies a few of whom have been incredibly supportive in some less than perfect times. I joined them for a cool 70+ mile adventure. It was nothing less than awesome and the longest ride i've ever done in winter. In fact, I don't know that i've ever ridden in February before. While I was on a road ride, my context was still ornithology. I was on a hawk watch - particularly for Rough-legged Hawks who are probably just heading north to get their birdie on (oops, did it again)... While at first I was shy, the ladies are quite accepting of my need to call out birds as we ride by and often quiz me on calls so I need to keep my game on point. We quickly picked up a new form of road cycling etiquette that sounded something like this:

me: car back! tufted titmouse!
And so begins the chorus...Rachel in front : back - titmouse!
Me: ICE! Kestrel right.
Rachel: Kestrel right!
and so it went...

Sunday, I went on a birding adventure for class. We left first thing which put a serious damper on my mountain ride with Chaya. But focus is first and foremost and the overaching context of my life right now is my degree. We were searching for Harriers and came up empty handed after 4 hours! Luckily I had seen two on Thursday. Below are some highlights of the adventure:

Above: a rescued House Finch - poor little dude lost his eye to conjunctivitis.

Above: rescued golden eagle. wing fracture - can't fly. One of my favorite eagles.

Above: rescued Eastern Screech Owl - grey variety. hit by a car and can no longer fly. so tiny...

Above: my absolute favorite - Barred Owl. They are soft in fuzzy in a "i could tear your face off with my ridiculously strong talons and feet" kinda way. Watch and listen

BFF's

Wild Labrador who is now known for eating WHOLE BANANAS rind included (except for the very top which apparently is unpalatable and is thus to be left in the middle of the living room floor).

Life is all about context. I'm now excited about March even though it may be ass-cold because I have spring migrants to look forward to learning, a proposal to finish up, chilly road rides to get through, maybe an early century, delicious meals with CJ and... who knows what else. By expanding and reframing my previously narrow context, there is more to enjoy each and every day. And more future to enjoy in the present now as opposed to hanging on and worrying about an unknown tomorrow.

the end.

PS - if anyone knows of a easy way to mask out bars in photoshop (bird pictures are all caged hence the white haze).... lemme know. especially for the bald eagle pict.