gifts

The holidays to me have never been about religious ritual. They have always been about family and friends. In my family, presents are not something given on an annual basis to mark a birthday, anniversary, or holiday. They are more random, spontaneous and given, when something appears that one of us knows will make the other really happy. this could be at any time - or never. They could be purchased, hand crafted or picked from the garden. It really is the thought that counts.

This year i decided to spend my holiday weeks in state college. regrouping from an exhausting semester and catching up with friends in town and elsewhere.

Week one: still in progress has been marked by holiday dinners with friends. i was hoping for one all important "gift" this break - time outside to ride and hike. unfortunately, the weather has not seen eye to eye with my plans. Case in point, out my window this morning:

I woke up to a frozen world today. sleet turned to rain. My driveway and front stoop, a block of solid ice.


it rained. then it rained some more. so i ran out my frustrations at the gym - high resistance elliptical. Then i did what any girl would naturally do on a rainy day (see below - even went all out on the toes but taking pictures of feet is just too weird (even for me, ha!).)

look at those nails! they're real people - all natural! :) this was my gift to myself

This past weekend pam and I held our annual cookie bake fest. We ventured into the world of candy making toffee and another recipe in addition to the best cherry chocolate chip cookie recipe EVER. it's seriously that good. (see below). Luisa (see above), the cutest baby EVER and the most precious gift a family could have (check out those eyes folks - she's gonna be a heartbreaker).

Last night, cyclist festivities in bfonte. i suspect pictures could end up on facebook at some point and yes they naturally will include props and dancing. Tonight, tbone's bday party /dinner. We made ridiculously good margaritas with Patron tequila and orange liqueur. Mmmm what a smooth treat!

In short, to me, the holidays are about recognizing and appreciating what you have, and spending time with those close. From time spent in the kitchen at pams, to time out eating homemade food and dancing with cycling friends, to drinking fancy margaritas and playing with dogs a gdoggs, to talking on the phone with those too far away to see in person (ugh, miss u both so much), to enjoying a holiday dinner at another's family's home and in the near future my first 'holiday-time' dinner at my own home and mellow new years at the most awesome new found friends home ... the most precious gift one really can recieve is that of good friendship and love.

how did i get so lucky?

beat

it's 1am. i think i'm officially fried. oh wait, that was last night.
Website is getting there... Paper is close... proposal (put off till next week)
work calls first thing. and i think i have officially become the default ecology webmaster for the rest of eternity. yikes! what's one more title anyway? :)

i think i need (in no particular order)...
sleep
a stiff drink, or two. preferably one that involves gin. but discussions w/G suggest manhattans may also be good.
a ride with some serious hills.
a hike in the forest up to the ridge.
a 29r or full squish mtn rig (ok i really don't need that but a girl can dream)

hook a sister up.

MIScommunication

it is the age of digital communication.
plans are made and broken via text message, email and facebook comments.

hearts too are broken the same way. we all remember how brittany dumped kfed. yes, ok i admit it - obviously I know this being her biggest fan. it's a toss up between her and NAS. hmmmm.

then comes the blog. a lot of us are guilty of 'blog stalking'. you know, reading the blogs of random people who interest us in some way - ex's, old friends, strangers even - without commenting. well i'm not so big on strangers unless they are talking birds or bikes but whatever.... admit it! you know you've done it.

i certainly have.

the sad part entails reading into something that's not there. and worse off, feeling like crap about it after.

sometimes, we search for a reflection of ourselves in the digital pixels that are manipulated into words via 1's and 0's. if that reflection isn't apparent, we stare and stare until we are cross-eyed and finally our own silhouette appears. shit, there I am. i knew it. but really is that me? the reality is it's likely that it's not. do we really want to hurt each other this way?

of course not.

the path of the digital age facilitates both confrontation avoidance and disconnects between and amongst those who are or have been closest. while it can be the best way to keep in touch with close friends and others following their lives as they evolve. it's a damn shame when unintentionally, feelings are hurt along the way.

for a friend

oh boy!!

meat

I don't care for meat. I'm no vegetarian though as in a pinch, i will have a little chicken or turkey or fish. fish i enjoy, meat - well it's rare. but, i don't care for meat. I also don't care for cars yet i truly enjoy driving my subi. i try to commute by bike as much as possible but i will admit - driving is fun. i don't always buy organic food - it's expensive but better for one and all. i don't care for processed food either, yet sometimes, i crave french fries, or chips or candy - mmmm twix or jelly candies or m&m's...i love animals yet no longer have a shelter dog.

During the post-swimming phase of (re)finding myself i sought meaning to make life feel whole. Since i've never been one to go "small", I gave up meat entirely, soon after became vegan, denounced drugs and alcohol of any kind and became involved with groups like amnesty helping to organize events like a 2 day fast / camp out in the name of a free Burma. I dreamed of post school years invested in Peace Corps and working at animal shelters. (Which was down graded to AmeriCorps and being a shelter volunteer). However, the more I read, the more discouraged I became. For every "cause" there were 10, 20, 100 other causes that seemed to be equally significant. How could I chose just one? How could I live honestly?

Why Meat is Bad

There are dozens of reasons to not eat (intensely produced) meat. From an environmental standpoint, agriculture is arguably one of the most detrimental of landuses. Hundreds of thousands of acres of forests have been converted to intense commercial agriculture (often non-sustainably practiced) over the years resulting in extreme soil erosion and modified hydrologic cycles (water flow). Modern day, intense agriculture, relies on fertilizers and pesticides which runoff into nearby, unbuffered streams (streams without forests on either side) and seep in to the water tables eutrophic-induced (nutriend buildup) fish kills and serious water quality degradation. Animal rights extremists will show videos of the way animals are tortured and confined via high production agriculture.

But, let's forget the environment, and animal rights... What about us? After all, it is about us, isn't it? Put heart disease and all other directly related health issues, most farmers inject the animals we eat with hormones that have been proven to mess up our reproductive systems. And those fertilizers and pesticides are also suggested to be equally harmful - case in point blue baby syndrome.

But I digress as this obviously isn't a post about convincing the world to not eat meat, eat mass produced veges or drive cars. This would be hypocritical. I do, on occasion, eat meat! I no longer am involved with amnesty and my days of fasting, protesting and a straight edged vegan lifestyle are long behind. And, we won't even get into the post straight-edge extreme i lived through in my later college years... this wild period is hardly blog-publishable.

In short, what i'm trying to say is - unfortunately for us all, no "position" is simple.

The Hypocrisy of It all

For one is it possible to truly take an extreme position without being hypocritical. Ie - animals rights activists that release helpless animals that will inevitably suffer in the real world, or activists that cause harm via their efforts. On a lesser extreme, vegetarians that eat marshmallows, jello, and even lowfat yogurt, wear leather, or use most of the cleaning and hygiene / makeup products found on the shelves these days because they are not informed. Or those who shun the hummer for it's MPG yet drool over an aston martin or a bentley.

If you love animals should you donate all of your time to the local shelter? Adopt 100 stray and homeless dogs and cats? Can you never own a pure bred pup? Should we all hunt our own food?!! If you are a solid environmentalist, can you eat meat and sleep at night? What about free-range meat products? If you eat meat, what about the genetically modified veges we all consume that are also grown on fertilizer and pesticide shocked farmland? Is that OK? Can a PA native eat a banana and sleep at night (eat local)? And following that thought, if you can eat meat or vegetables, can you drive a car contributing to not only a fossil-fuel based economy but also greenhouse gas accumulation and global climate change? IF, you are a human rights activist can you actively lobby for Burma while ignoring pressing issues in your own country, state (old data) or county? Can you drink only coke and not pepsi (or gatorade... etc) when coke is potentially equally offensive in their abuses? and on and on and on it goes...

And this all is not even beginning to consider a broader economic perspective... ouch!

Not a Soap Box

If you're reading this as a soap box, then you've got it (and me) all wrong. I've always wanted my life to be meaningful, in some way. To make a difference be it in someone's life. To contribute to something bigger than simply my happiness (even though the desire itself was contributing to happiness). To help those close, and be there for people for whom I cared even if it meant putting myself second. I've always wanted to live my life honestly staying true to my beliefs and convictions. Needless to say, I don't always achieve that goal. And honestly i'm not always sure how to get there.

But the question becomes, what "causes" and "issues" are can / should / do we support? Consider, the clothes on our back, the stores where we shop, the hygiene and cleaning products we use, the means of transportation we select, the foods we eat, and more. There is hardly enough time in a life time let alone a week or a day to consider it all.

So, really I don't like meat. I can't feel good about saying I avoid it for environmental, political, social or economic reasons. I just don't like it. Honestly, it doesn't taste good to me. But I eat it - sometimes. Don't like milk either so no hormones for me; however if that's all there is on the breakfast table for my cereal, I'll deal. Just like I drive my car - sometimes, and play with the first non-adopted pure-bred pup i've owned.

I have no interest in making anyone else feel uncomfortable about eating meat, or drinking milk, or driving a car - big or small. There is simply not enough time on this planet to absorb and understand it all. I do however have an interest in everyone thinking about these things - at least from time to time; critical thought is good as is living life in a way that brings not only happiness but growth. And I have an interest in making informed decisions. Perhaps this is why I aspire to teach and study in an environmental field. Perhaps this is why I do have an interest in understanding what makes us 'tick' - make the choices we do every day - what issues we chose to embrace and why. And how we go about living our lives while simultaneously feeling good about everything around us.

cold, as it should be...

It's gotten cold in the PA mountains.

Evidence:
1. frozen hydration pack tubing (solid!) during riding
2. sore nipples upon entering the house (and no we're not talking the gold nuggets on my rims...) - post riding
3. tears on the way to work and school (not of joy) triggering a mad commute sprint onto campus.

While the end of rides used to be marked by conversations about food (you're always hungry coming home), NOW, i find humor in WV and I instead discussing and coveting the heated seats in my subi. ahhh nothing like a slowly warming ass on the drive home in the dark from the forest. and me slurring my speech as my face is that cold.

Rides are now short. as is daylight. i seek climbs more than ever as descents are simply painful. If there were any way to ride uphill all the time, I would be stoked.

However this is a digression from the point at hand... considering the cold we are surrounded by now in November... it is hard to imagine that the earth is slowly warming. Check out NASA. The guy interviewed isn't so articulate but the CG is sweet and based on real satellite data. Ice sheets are melting beyond repair. anyone who watched an inconvenient truth, remembers the poor polar bears stranded on floating blocks of ice. (yea that movie was total hollywood but people love white 'cuddly' bears). sell it to tbe public anyway you can...

There is much more to global warming than simply melting ice caps. first, there is still not complete consensus on whether or not it really is happening. (questionable source - yes! wikipedia's content is fickle but u get the point...). and if it is happening, is it part of a larger cyclical and quite natural trend or is it human induced? maybe it's not happening. maybe our lives are too short and data too limited to know for sure. kinda like evolution...

And, what are the implications of this? modified forest composition... IE southern trees moving north, northern trees becoming extinct? invasive species proliferation? modified wildlife habitat? rising sea levels and slowly sinking cities (an extreme scenario but watch out san fran!).

So, in short, i'm on my bike, contemplating good birds that are attracted to bad habitats (ha!) that have also all flown south for the winter (my bald eagle buddy in the forest is long gone - haven't seen him in weeks)... and freezing my ass off all the while wishing it were warmer.

I take a (non)sip from my now frozen solid camelbak and realize in truth, i'm quite happy that it's cold as it should be. it's a temporary inconvenience which I think I prefer over the more permanent and rather frighteningly possible alternative.

breeth deep

here's a novel concept:

take a deep breath and relax.

i've spent the past months tense. unable to let go. dead set on solving all on my own.
it's easy to get wrapped up and forget how when you're working 5 day weeks, studying for class and trying to put together a sound dissertation proposal. when you're paying your way, anything less than an "A" seems down right wasteful; then add fluctuating mortgage rates and a tight budget that needs to consider rising tuition costs in addition to fuel and food to the mix and life is grand! it hit me when i saw picts from Iron Cross. in each my face was tense - and I LOVE RIDING MY BIKE! damn!

family helps mellow sometimes. sit back and enjoy being taken care of and spoiled for a day or two. i had forgotten what it feels like. many smiles and warm greetings. and even though the end of each day was capped with a late night study session given an upcoming exam, there's still peace to be found.

It's Time To Simplify.

deep breath.

moving on

one of the greatest challenges surrounding this town is its transient population. over the past years close friends have moved on to bigger and better things with their significant others. from chihiro and drew's journey to rock springs, to eric and gretta's recent departure to san fran.

while i've managed to keep in touch with most, it's hard sometimes to accept the change. it seems as if it's always the special ones that end up leaving.

I miss you all!!

circle of life

weeks like these make me contemplate life...

the circle that seems to represent life is confusing ...

unexpectedly early, in comes the new - in the form of a beautiful little girl.
unexpectedly, they leave us, before 'their time'.
unexpectedly, they get hurt doing what they love to do. (sending thoughts to the psu racer who wrecked today, landing in the ICU).

being one to constantly worry about the people around me, i often wonder how i'll get through this life with sane perspective knowing those around me are also a part of this circle.

their interests, hobbies, 'fate' and life goals could lead them down similar paths. or not. their fates unknown.

as is mine.

don't age.
don't deteriorate.
don't get sick.
don't wreck.

all i really want is for them to be happy - and healthy. and there.

i can't imagine life otherwise.

sometimes they all...

from time to time i contemplate people and their respective interactions. actually all of the time is a bit more realistic. it seems that, for the most part, people are only interested in what suits their needs at any particular time. there are many friends and relationships out there however a very VERY select few truly consider others as individuals who are true people as opposed to individuals that some way, some how, suit their needs.

i've gotten to a point where i can accept that fact that many people, if not most people, generally suck... this acknowledgment allows one to generally interact with others, accepting the fact that they might ultimately turn, disappoint, etc, etc... accept - move on. it happens.

it's like the ex who cheated on you. or who u gave everything and in return he took everything he could. or the one who decided he'd no longer talk to you - who knows why.

it's a funny funny world when you contemplate these things and try to make sense of them. opening up to someone yields vulnerability and sometimes - sometimes they really just don't care or can't see past their own life bubbles. then you realize that other people's decisions are theirs to make - good or bad - mean-spirited or well intentioned. and all you can do is move forward, finding happiness in the little things around you that could be fleeting, but at the moment are beautiful and rewarding.

maybe this is why we are all, for the most part, searching for that one person who will see the other as beautiful on all levels and accept. because atleast we know that when everyone else around us disappoints, that one will still be there - with best intentions in mind.

still there are some days when they all just suck. come to terms with it now. it's not worth a fight.

life

life is a funny animal.

it barks, it growls, it bites...sometimes, if you're lucky - or work hard enough - or manipulate correctly - it purrs.

sunday am, i woke up and all was well... as it could be at home.. it was well. the world was relatively calm and the only thoughts on my mind were those of future. what will i do? where will i go? school? work? pa? somewhere else... same old same old. these questions have been taxing my mind for months now - ever since my life's path hit an intersection with an infinite number of routes. i woke up one day and realized that in my single state, i could do and go anywhere that i wanted. i no longer needed to make decisions surrounding another person.

but i digress...

i woke up sunday am and the only things taxing my mind were those that had been there for many, many months. later in the day, i received a text message that made my heart sink into an empty stomache... luna was in a bike accident.

the message said he was going to be OK. the phone call said he was life flighted to a nearby hospital.

logically i knew that he was ok. his wife told me so. but emotionally the thought of my friend in such a frayed and torn state, being rushed to the hospital made me nauseous and brought tears to my eyes. to add to things, there was nothing that i could do. i thought about jumping in my car, but where would that have brought me?

on a selfish note, luna and ruk have been there for me through some extremely difficult times. they helped me through an emotional and tumultuous breakup. they helped me reclaim and rebuild my house in the after math. they've brought laughter and smiles to my life through long, early morning bike rides (climbing most of the way ofcourse - especially with luna!), garden tours, nursery explorations, dog walks and hikes, home-cooked dinners, late nights out. we also have a bond through our dogs -- who -- if you know me - and them - you realize are like children. what would i do without people like that in my life?

there are a few friends and family members in my life that i feel so strongly about, that even the thought that one day they might get seriously sick or hurt, sends icy cold shivers through my body, leaving me numb. they make the world a worthwhile place.

i sometimes wonder if the friends who i care about know how much they mean to me. and i sometimes wonder why it takes a traumatic event - even one that has an ok outcome - to remind me that there are bigger things to worry about in this world, than a job and its relative geography.

after all -- all of the growling and barking, is just noise.
the bites hurt, but flesh wounds heal.

sickness

sometimes, family makes life taxing. they get sick, they grow old, they fight...

sometimes, you begin to see those who you love, who were always ageless, age.

then you ask why.
then you realize that's life.

and so it goes.

hungover

life brings with it all kinds of different hangovers. there is the conventional head pounding, nausea inducing version which is typically brought on by excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages. then there is the club version brought on by a late night filled with a variety of elements including dancing until dawn. there is the cyclist hangover which is where you take on a ride that's beyond your capability and max your body out - resulting in painfully sore muscles, fatigued body, and a continual need for naps, food and drink.

we are all familiar with these types of hangovers... but there's another one that's of a different variety. this one is a result of a more positive force - where you have a great evening, or series of days, that you don't want to end. in this case the hangover materializes in a different form with a whole new set of symptoms including lack of desire to work, difficulty concentrating and continual contemplation of the weekend past and anticipation of the next one to come.

looks like someone's got a case of the mondays

the former is certainly preferred over the latter. i'll take those few days anytime! BUT hangovers, no matter what form they present themselves, are still no fun.

war of the roses

recently i was at someone's house for a small gathering. they - said home owners - are in the middle of a divorce yet are still living together.

she was with all of the guests, eating, laughing, enjoying her time. he, was in and around the house - was barely introduced to the guests, and seemed to want to be a part of something that he only half-heartedly invited to - in his own house.

they are both in their 50's - perhaps he was near or at 60. and have been married for close to the entire span of my life. and it's now over.

she was joking about finding a cute cyclist man (speaking to the choir!!)... BUT did he hear that? it was said in a loud voice.

awkward.

i was sad.

how can a relationship make it through multiple decades and then fail at an age when you're finally able to enjoy time together - kids are grown up, out of the house. house is largely paid for. how can it fail then?

is this what we have to look forward to? tip-toing around each other under the same roof? multiple decades of working together and being in love dissolved via certified mail and a few signatures. being back in the singles scene at 50+ trying to find that right one who you can share your life with and learn to love 'for better or worse'.

i hope not.

updates

it's been a busy past couple of days. busy having fun - which is a goal of the summer that has already been realized a few times over. friday i got to catch up again with OMY aka snacky for some food. and then drinks at... where else but zenos... with nicole after.

and just in case you were on the edge of your seat wondering.. i was able to bust out some pickup lines with reactions varying from a good laugh to utter confusion (what the heck did that girl just randomly ask me my sign?). OMY was on board and even beat me to the punch a few times over.

saturday was a good ride out to coburn. the pace including a nice headwind was tough and i worked the entire time to keep up with the group - being periodically dropped on rollers and windy stretches.

sunday was the stoopid 50. i rocked my super cool, asian chocolate lollipop badge (thanks to Frank )... and got to ride the cross bike around some in the woods. it was a good day and a good night.

all in all it was a great weekend... with more of those to come...

White Trash - the last racist thing you can say and get away with

This came from an old friend from college via myspace. i figured i'd share seeing as i've been on the random quotes and bits of knowledge theme lately.... and naturally we all know that Ray will soon be a MD resident... and Dave and I share the common bond of coming from the lovely state. (though i was born in DC so i can rock the gansta roots - ha!). and, ry if you are reading this ... this should constitute a none BONEHEAD posting.

According to John Waters, white trash is “the last racist thing you can say and get away with.”.. read on. it's interesting i promise.

Whether they use the term white trash or not, most Americans are unaware of its long and ugly history. If you had to guess, you’d probably say that the term arose in the Deep South, sometime in the middle of last century, as a term that whites coined to demean other whites less fortunate than themselves. Yet most of what we presuppose about the term is wrong.

The term 'white trash' dates back not to the 1950s but to the 1820s. It arises not in Mississippi or Alabama, but in and around Baltimore, Maryland. And best guess is that it was invented not by whites, but by African Americans. As a term of abuse, white trash was used by blacks—both free and enslaved—to disparage local poor whites. Some of these poor whites would have been newly arrived Irish immigrants, others semiskilled workers drawn to Baltimore and Washington, D.C. in the postrevolutionary building boom, and others still may have been white servants, waged or indentured, working in the homes and estates of area elites. The term registered contempt and disgust, as it does today, and suggests sharp hostilities between social groups who were essentially competing for the same resources—the same jobs, the same opportunities, and even the same marriage partners....

Read the entire article here - it's actually a bit disturbing: That Ain't White - The long and ugly history of 'trash' talk By Matt Wray

siglo en mis el propios

a friend last year, while completing our first century, stated that he could never ride another century again. why? because naturally, if he never road another century, he could always claim that the july 4 2006 century was his best century ever. the pressure is on after the first one and so enters the risk of the downward spiral!

however, i think that i'm on to something. last year - first century. last week, fastest century (by FAR) and today, one week later, the first century on my own... well not completely on my own, fearless leader rito was also present... but the century was sans drafting so i had to pull my own weight - all friggin day. i felt like crap waking up in the am - couldn't eat - but somehow managed to muster through on 1.5 bars and lots of gatorade and water. i was grumpy and not very talkative, but so it went. my new heart rate monitor said i burned 3000+ calories today. is this even possible? and if so, where did they (said calories) all come from? My ample ass? :)

ben joined us on the way out and we got to catch up a little. we're contemplating a new sport - it's called Muay Thai cycling - and naturally it involves cycling & kicking ass (2 of my most favorite things). i think our first lesson will involve unclipping - you see in order to efficiently sneak up on your opponent, one needs to learn how to unclip in silence. it's a challenge, but i think we're up to it.

my mind is still consumed with the question "what am i going to do when i grow up". i'm not sure where i should be right now. the last time that i checked, i think i fell into the "grown up" category, which makes the question that much more bothersome. riding down to and through altoona brought back many memories - good and bad - of the ex - places we used to go, drive through, visit, etc... ironic to be contemplating the future while on a ride through tour of the past.

but so it goes...

searching...

there seems to be an inherent road block that exists between single people - particularly those of the opposite sex. it's one that i've come to accept, but frustrating none-the-less.

case in point, a friend who i met in the fall and was tight with... we would hang all of the time and things were cool... randomly, late spring... he vanishes. emails stop, phone calls not returned. gone. just like that.

one can't force another to not detach. all you can do is let it go. i learned that a long time ago.

interestingly enough, just the other day i ran into people on the bike and said friend's name came up (randomly - not because of me)... and it sounds as if he's back with an ex. and another friend mentioned a sighting with a female around town.

good for him. i hope he's super happy.

BUT - why does this mean that we no longer are friends? i've gone through this many times over now. friends fall in love, get married, move away. communication becomes limited to pictures of little baby joey smearing chocolate birthday cake all over his face or burping up strained peas, intermixed with the occasional hallmark card - "i miss you - visit soon".

seems like the more this happens, the less inclined i am to truly open up to new people and consider them good friends.

do friends temporarily fill voids while we search for that perfect one? does a relationship or marriage supersede any friendship no matter how deep or developed? or do the single ones fill the voids and then you meet married, more stable ones that are less inclined to "disappear"?

???

obstacles

today was back to the grind of work work work. a new project is in the works and it means that i need to learn some basic .net via visual studio pro, arcgis server and geodatabase setup via sql server. yikes. i'm designing the interface of the web application which means being able to work with the code (not necessarily write it - thank goodness). i enjoy the challenge of learning new things, but the big man wants prototypes of this done in a few weeks. atleast the programmer that i'm working with is patient, communicative and cool.

in other news, i was at the gym tonight and had an interesting conversation.

guy: "i saw you on your bike the other day"
me: "oh yea, where? you shoulda said hi"
guy: "well i didn't want to startle you with the horn... but you were doing this" (he holds out his hand and signals like you would to turn) "do you remember that?"
me: "well, i do that a lot - every time i turn in fact"
guy: "oh"

this was of course no surprise as i am most often on my bike. however i guess turn signals are not generally understood by the non-cycling public.

breaking news... it has been discovered that 25% of the general population believes that 75% of the cycling population suffer from random, involuntary hand and arm movements.

it's hard not to laugh when people say things like that to you because the natural response is that they are joking.

only they're not.

and speaking of chickens... in more random news, jess and i are concocting a plan to setup an obstacle course in my backyard. is this possible? it needs to have small logs and perhaps a log pile... and i need to be able to easily assemble and disassemble at will as they mow the lawn here once a week. i'm thinking something along the line of tent stakes and randomly collected logs, however decreasing the possibility of impaling myself in my own backyard would be nice.

just buzzin'

today after work, chaya and i took a long walk. then she curled up in the front yard and watched me circle around the neighborhood. practicing bunny hops on my bike. my neighbors are probably convinced at this point that i'm wacked out. maybe they're right. i can't seem to lift my tires / bike as high off the ground as i'd like. AND, i also can't do it without being clipped into my pedals. AND i can't make solid, tight left hand turns without losing balance.

tonight was movie night. after much persuasion, i rode the rockhopper over to seth's to hang with ry and other random boys and watch movies. the movie was pans labrynth and it was actually really cool. i'd like to see it again from the beginning. one beer on an empty stomach has left a cool buzz and is stirring up contemplative thoughts about life and goals.

for some reason, i'm most motivated when i'm most challenged. unfortunately, when left unchallenged, i become lazy, and inclined to only focus on active tangible things that provide immediate satisfaction and enjoyment like bikes, dogs, hiking, etc. for some reason, this lack of focus might be ok if i had that other missing part of my life - aka an amazing boy who filled that void creating a whole. after all, isn't that what makes life worthwhile? but left unfilled, i know that i need to do something more. and if the last few boys that i have met are any representation of the state college pool, the void is gonna sit unfilled for quite some time. so the question remains - what more do i need to focus on?