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it's hard to wrap your head around the actions of others.
especially with intense emotion involved.

i've discovered a breakup can occur before a relationship is even rekindled. all it takes is one who is unable to take responsibility for the emotions of the one they supposedly love. i've discovered that an ex can knock on your door and want you back; then turn around and end things no sooner had they begun.

i've discovered that the words "working things out" don't necessarily imply a mutual partnership between two people trying to figure out how to move forward together. it can mean one person thinking alone, about themselves and what is easiest and best for them. your risk then becomes all your own.

i've discovered that it's wrong to put trust and confidence in the word "love" when spoken by the wrong person. love can mean many things. in the end loving yourself is the most important relationship in life. i've discovered that it's a bad decision to instill trust in any person who's unsure of themselves as it may impact you. because in the end, your faith and trust alone isn't enough to build the stability that trust deserves.

but all of that aside, i've discovered that i can love another person more than myself and be happy, if they honestly love me in return. but when i love another more than myself and they love themselves in return, i'm left sad and drained and confused. i've discovered i have a big heart and am ready to try. i'm convinced that there must be someone out there who will appreciate that. And hopefully someone who will take responsibility for not only themselves, but also my feelings.

i've discovered i have amazing friends who in a seconds notice, remove me from a rut and bring me to another place filled with amazing family, good conversation, beautiful surroundings and nourishment for body and soul (you rock jess!!).

i've discovered that even after being beat up and twisted by someone elses confusion, i'm still strong, hopeful and confident. I'm still independent and self-aware. i'm looking forward to the returning to work, school and home. I'm looking forward to winter snow, spring and summer rides. I'm looking forward to finishing my degree and moving on. I'm looking forward to my own family, life and travels as built and discovered and explored. I'm looking forward to meeting someone new, even if it takes months or years. patience is virtue.

i'm exhausted and drained from the tears. life is too short. I deserve more. And more is exactly what I look forward to.