check please.

While really I should be commenting on the events of this past week, historic precedent in American Cultural history, that would require some research to do well. And frankly, i'm burnt out dissertation proposal style. So, instead, I'll entertain with this lovely piece of nonfiction.

In the process of refinancing my home, I had to endure a credit check. Review of my credit audit brought attention to an old credit card that I had forgotten to cancel. While my credit is a'ight (sista!), I figured having an open account that isn't used is asking for some sort of fraud action. So I made the call that we all dread making. You know the one that you have to deal with multiple tiers of options - press 1 for this and 2 for that. and then you get to an operator who tells you that you need to speak with someone in another department (which also happens to be in another state or country... and so goes the drill. on and on.

and on. (and not smooth chill Davina style either)

The call went something like this:
Begin ring.

welcome to ---card. If you want to check your account balance, press one. If you want to check how much you owe, please press two. If you want to be an organ donor, press three. If you want to donate your first born to pay off your outstanding credit, press four... and so on.

I just wanted to cancel my damn account. of course that was no where to be found on the menu. I made a selection. any selection.

begin next set of options....again, no cancel account. I made yet another selection

begin next set of options ... AGAIN (see above)... made yet another selection...

Finally I was offered the option to speak with an actual human bean, i mean being.

progress!

begin elevator music serenade.

i put the phone on speaker and went on with my work. After about 5 minutes of holding, an operator picked up. she told me i was speaking with the wrong department and would forward me to the appropriate place.

hold please.

another ring, then another department operator answered she sounded kinda like a new jersey's mobsters wife. you know, that nasal high pitched smokers voice that is as soothing as fingernails on a chalkboard? I knew good times were ahead.

Her: hello, how may i help you?

me: i'd like to cancel my account

her: oh, we're sorry to hear that. can i ask why you are canceling? I see you've been with us for a while.

me: i don't use the card. please cancel my account.

her - abridged version: We're doing that (canceling) remember? But you can still keep the card open you know. You have a good record of credit with us.

me: Thank you but i just want to cancel my account.

her - super abridged version: We're doing that (canceling) remember? But did you know that your credit scores can improve by having long-standing credit with a company like us?... bla bla bla.

me - yawning and annoyed: um, thanks but i just want to cancel my account. PS - she's wrong on that as it's situation dependent.

her: We're doing that (canceling) remember? bla bla bla

me: yes i remember. that's why i called. please cancel my account.

her (and it's about time!): ok, i'm canceling your account. You have 90 days to change your mind... bla bla bla... is there anything else we can do for you today?

me: yea send me a voucher for a few gin and tonics to soothe the grating sound your voice has left in my ear drum. (ok so i didn't say that - never burn a bridge with someone who has access to your credit card account)

Click.
A good 25 or so minutes after the phone call begin, the card was closed (i hope).

and so it went.